Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, and The Spirit of God

It should be noted that the first response to this tweet was "Your pastor is a dickwad."

It should be noted that the first response to this tweet was “Your pastor is a dickwad.”

I come from “a broken home.” A broken home…. What does that even mean? Most people define a broken home as one where the parents got divorced, but my home was broken by domestic abuse long before it was ever “broken” by divorce. My dad would sometimes get violent when he drank, and my dad drank a lot. My mom agonized over the decision to leave her abusive husband–mostly because the Church told her that doing so would put her in danger of hell. But threatening someone who is stuck in an abusive relationship with “hell” is kind of like telling someone who’s neck-deep in a sewer that they better not try to get out, or else you’ll punish them making them sit in a port-o-potty. When they die. It’s so stupid…. All the shame we put around divorce is one of the engines that powers domestic abuse. All to try to prevent “a broken home.” Oddly enough, divorce is actually the thing that fixed my home.

If you need help because of abuse, you can call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

If you need help because of abuse, you can call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Many people today look at abuse as a sort of unforgivable sin (Though it used to be way more socially acceptable). When people saw this video of Ray Rice punching his fiancee in the face, most people lost their minds. In the wake of the outrage over the released video, his team immediately released him, and the NFL suspended him indefinitely (instead of the 2-game suspension he had been given when he confessed to hitting Janay Palmer hard enough to knock her out…. the same exact crime, only without the public outcry). Something definitely changed when people SAW what domestic violence looked like. Instead of looking for scenarios that would justify a man pulling his unconscious fiancee out of an elevator (maybe he “just” hit her with an open hand and she fell and hit her head, maybe he just pushed her really hard into the wall, etc…), when people actually SAW it, they were forced into a reaction.

This photo is heartbreaking....

This photo is heartbreaking….

I can tell you from experience: Hearing about domestic violence is completely different than SEEING domestic violence. When my dad was still living at our house I was very young, so I don’t have a whole lot of memories of what the violence at our house looked like. I remember bits and pieces…. they’re hazy. But after my parents got a divorce, my dad started dating a woman who had kids near my age–middle schoolish. The woman was very nice…. I really liked her. One night she and my dad were arguing, and the yelling got louder. I watched from the stairwell–afraid to make a noise–as my dad swung this woman around the room by her hair, and slammed her into the wall. There was more…. I can’t remember everything from that night, and there’s some stuff I don’t really want to remember, but when the police came, she was bruised and bloodied. It was terrible.

We all learn lessons in different ways. In the absence of an example of how to act, an example of how NOT to act may suffice…. The lesson I learned that night was simple: What I had just witnessed was not okay. I remember saying to myself, “That will never be me.” I’ve learned more than a few lessons in life by learning what not to do.

When I was in high school, I started dating a girl. When things were first starting out, she was way more into me than I was into her. One night–early in our relationship–I cheated on her. I told myself that “nothing was official,” I blamed the girl I hooked up with for seducing me…. It barely happened, and it only happened once,  but really–I just cheated. After dating her for a while, I really started falling in love with her. The guilt of that one stupid night just ate away at me, and I decided I needed to tell her (I thought I was “doing the right thing,” but if I’m being honest, it might have had more to do with me relieving my guilty conscience at the expense of her feelings). Up until that point in my life, telling her about it was probably the hardest thing I had had to do. Anyway, she broke up with me–rightly. I learned some lessons from that experience as well….

There is no excuse for what Adrian Peterson did to his son, but he's not worthless. He needs help.

There is no excuse for what Adrian Peterson did to his son, but he’s not worthless. He needs help.

People rush to judgment with things like this. We see the news about Tiger Woods cheating on his wife, and people throw out phrases like “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” We see video of Ray Rice striking Janay Palmer, and people decide that it can’t be the first time, and they are certain that if she decides to stay, it won’t be the last. “Once an abuser, always an abuser!” And they shame her for staying. We see pictures of Adrian Peterson’s son with cuts and bruises on his butt and thighs from a “whoopin” with a switch, and we decide that child needs to be taken away from him forever. And please don’t take this as a defense of what these men have done–I don’t think there is any defense–but we are so quick to give up on people. And I think that’s so tragic. I suppose it’s much easier to decide that someone is a worthless piece of shit than it is to be hopeful that he or she can change.

Shhh....

Maybe he learned something.

I completely understand Elin Nordegren deciding to leave Tiger Woods. I’d completely understand if Janay Palmer decided to leave Ray Rice. I understand the outrage over Adrian Peterson hitting a 4 year old kid that hard. But this “giving up on people” denies their humanity by denying the possibility that they can learn from their mistakes. When people do stupid or awful things, there are consequences…. But one of those consequences might be coming away from a terrible mistake as a better version of yourself. I can tell you with certainty that I would never be unfaithful to my wife, and part of the certainty I have in saying that came from the pain and shame of cheating way back in high school. A fleeting excitement is never worth hurting someone you care about. But that’s a lesson I learned by making a mistake…. By learning what NOT to do.

I have hope for this family.

I have hope for this family.

And I’m not talking about being blindly, ignorantly innocent to how messed up people can be. I’m talking about being HOPEFUL. I’m talking about seeing brokenness for what it is, instead of immediately abandoning a person as “pure evil.” I’m talking about an expectation that people can learn, and grow, and evolve. I’m talking about a desire to help that outweighs a desire to punish. William Gay, a player for the Pittsburg Steelers whose own mother was killed by domestic violence, said this about Ray Rice: “That was wrong of him, but at the end of the day, we don’t need to run away from Ray Rice. He needs help.” But calling out for help for someone who does something horrible requires hope that that person can change. And if we don’t have that hope for one person, how could we ever have that hope for the world? And without that hope, we end up with a philosophy that says, “Convert or be killed.” A philosophy that is, ironically, identical to that of our enemies.

Please read this quote by Howard Zinn at least twice:

“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places – and there are so many – where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.”

The Spirit of God....

The Spirit of God….

It’s a lot easier to see everyone as complete crap. Man…. A lot of times it’s even easier to see YOURSELF as complete crap. I mean, if we’re all just a bunch of garbage that deserve to burn in hell, all this brokenness around us would make sense. And like Howard Zinn said, “If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something.” But if there’s something in us that is worth something—Something Good—something worth remembering in the midst of all this garbage, then there’s reason to have hope. And what if that thing inside us is the Spirit of God? And not just inside us, but also inside our enemies–inside of the abuser, inside of the prisoner, inside of my father, inside of me…. Things start looking differently. Things aren’t as simple. Suddenly, the person who is hungry is not just dismissed as lazy. It changes the way you see prisons. It changes the way you see everything. Instead of a bunch of garbage, you see the world as something waiting to be restored.

"Hope is a good thing.... Maybe the best thing. And no good thing ever dies." ~ Andy Dufresne

“Hope is a good thing…. Maybe the best thing. And no good thing ever dies.” ~ Andy Dufresne

When we see a man hit a woman hard enough to knock her out…. When we see hurt and abuse and brokenness, we need to do something about it. We need to work to make it stop. But while we work, we need to remember that even the broken are made in the Image of God. Nonviolence is rooted in the audacious recognition of our enemy’s humanity. But a spirit that looks at another human being and says “Worthless piece of shit” is the same spirit that cuts off the heads of reporters, and it’s the same spirit that corrals people into gas chambers. That sentiment is the beating heart of all that’s wrong with the world, and it has no place in our own hearts. There are two main responses when we see people who are broken: We either want to punish brokenness, or we want to fix it. We want to heal it. We want to restore it. We want to save it. And these very different responses apply as much to the world as they apply to an individual. I believe that when God looks at this broken world, he doesn’t want to punish it–God sees a world that he called “good.” He wants to fix it. And heal it. And restore it. And save it.

At least I HOPE that’s how God is. If I’m wrong, and God is all about punishing the world, I’ve got some bad news for you: We’re screwed. And since we can’t know for sure, we might as well live like God loves “us” every bit as much as God loves “them.”

Posted in 1) Jesus, 5) Not Quite Sure | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Raising Daughters In A World Full Of Hardee’s Commercials

My wife has the exact same posture when she eats a hamburger....

My wife has the exact same posture when she eats a hamburger….

We almost never watch live TV anymore. When the TV is on, it’s mostly Netflix these days, but every once in a while, we watch live events. And it’s happened more than once now, where all of a sudden, my kids are staring at some sweaty, half-dressed young woman as she rides a mechanical bull, or grinds on the hood of a Camaro, or arches her back in ecstasy on the beach… all while messily eating a burger. A burger from Hardee’s to be exact (or Carls Jr. in some places). She seductively sucks down a drink with an extra wide straw, and takes a giant bite of a surprisingly sultry burger, whose juices always seem to end up spilling on her thigh or chest. Then she cleans it up—in slow motion—by wiping it up with her finger and licking her finger clean. And there I am, scrambling for the remote while trying to get my kids to look at some imaginary distraction….

"Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!!"

“Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children!!”

I am so sick of these stupid commercials. I’m not trying to sound like a prude, here. Sex is great. It’s a really big part of being human (bigger for some than others), and I realize that “sex sells.” I’m not even saying this advertising campaign doesn’t work—I feel like eating a burger right now just writing about it–but my “beef” with these commercials is not just about sex. It’s about our kids (And yes, I’m aware that I sound a bit like Helen Lovejoy). Our kids are watching these commercials. If Hardee’s wants to be a sleazy company that  uses soft porn to try and sell their burgers, I say great. Strip clubs have the right to exist, but I also have the right to expect that the strip club commercials aren’t being run during programs that my kids might be watching. And here’s the thing: I’ve seen a lot of strip club commercials in my life, and NONE of them are as overtly sexual and explicit as these freaking Hardee’s commercials. They have a right to make sexy commercials of girls in bikinis eating burgers. And we have a right to let them know that we’re NOT BUYING IT, and as long as they continue to put these commercials on where our kids stumble across them, we will not be spending one dollar on their crappy, 1200 calorie burgers.

Above we see one of the less popular Hardee’s commercials….

It bothers me more for my daughters than for my son. The world tries to sexualize our kids before it’s time–our boys too, but ESPECIALLY our girls. Kids are going to encounter sexy images even without a TV. I can clearly remember lingering in the bra section of the J.C. Penny catalog as a boy, and then the jump in intensity that was the Victoria’s Secret catalog. You can’t even walk through a mall without being accosted by cleavage on all sides. There is an ocean of pornography—readily available at the touch of a phone—that all of our sons are going to need to learn to navigate. And our girls already face next-to-impossible odds of coming through adolescence with a healthy self-image…. I don’t want Hardee’s commercials subtly suggesting to my daughters their warped ideas of what it means for a girl to be “desirable.”

I almost never wear my leather swimsuit when I wash my car, but that's just me.... It's strictly a comfort thing.

I almost never wear my leather swimsuit when I wash my car, but that’s just me…. It’s strictly a comfort thing.

A while ago I wrote about considering not going to Chick-Fil-A because of their disgusting support of groups that work to take away the civil rights of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered. And as gross as that is, I think at least they are honestly confused about what the Bible says about homosexuality, and they’re trying to do the right thing…. Hardee’s is trying to do THE OPPOSITE of the right thing. I would rather shove Chick-Fil-A’s hormone-filled, MSG-soaked chicken into my gullet every Monday-Saturday from here on out than give $1 to Hardee’s while the people in charge continue to pump out these commercials.

"No sweetie.... One foot in front of the other, and suck it your tummy a bit."

“No sweetie…. One foot in front of the other, and suck in your tummy a bit.”

And it’s not just these commercials…. If you subscribe to a magazine that PhotoShops their images of girls into impossibly skinny, hyper-sexual Barbie forms, you should cancel your subscription. And you should encourage your friends to do the same. And you should let the company know why you did it. If you shop and give your money to a place like Abercrombie, that sells padded bikini tops for eight year old girls, you should rightly be ashamed of yourself—I don’t care how much your kids beg. We don’t teach our children conformity. If our young daughters come to us saying, “I wish I had bigger boobs,” we don’t respond by going out and buying them padded bras or plastic surgery. We teach them that their body is lovely and perfect just the way it is…. And this is a lesson we have to start teaching very early. I will not sit in silence while images from every angle tell my kids that they are not good enough. We need to not spend money at Hardee’s, and we need to let the people in charge know WHY. If you knowingly support something that contributes to the sexualization of our young girls, or the soul-crushing, dementedly impossible expectation of what is being sold as “perfection” that destroys our daughters’ body-images with unhealthy expectations, you are an awful person. Stop it. Right now, stop it.

Heidi Klum, posing next to her weekly calorie intake.

Heidi Klum, posing next to her weekly calorie intake.

Now, some people might say that those companies are just giving people what they want—that if there wasn’t a market for people who liked to be sold fast food by scantily-clad actresses having oral sex with a Thickburger, those commercials wouldn’t exist. And those people might be right. Maybe the decent people ARE outnumbered…. But I don’t think it’s about being either decent or depraved…. I think it’s about calling out to the decency in all of us. Sometimes we need a reminder of our own goodness. We need someone to look at us and say, “You’re better than that.” We are better than that! We are not powerless to do anything about the shitty stuff we see all around us. And this is one place to start. Call up Hardee’s customer complaint line. Let them know that their ads might be working for some people, but that you’re NOT BUYING IT…. And that you won’t be taking one bite of their SleazeBurger (Copyright, The Boeskool) until they put an end to this degrading ad campaign, and issue a public apology for making the world seem hopelessly disgusting.

Here are some ways for you to let Hardee’s know you won’t be going there until the commercials stop: Their comment line is (877) 799-STAR (7827). They have a designated line just for comments about the commercials, but they always give you bull about “higher than average call volume,” so all I’ve been able to do there is leave a message. I doubt they want you talking to a human being about how degrading the commercials are (what a horrible job THAT would be), though I bet that if I found Paris Hilton’s IUD in my sandwich, I would be able to speak with an actual person…. You can also write an email by clicking HERE, or you can write them an actually letter and send it to the address below:

CORPORATE OFFICE
Hardee’s Restaurants LLC
100 North Broadway, Suite 1200
St. Louis, MO 63102

The only thing that effects change in a company like this (they are the 5th biggest chain behind Subway, McDonalds, Burger King and Wendy’s) is to cost them money…. That or really annoy them with public shaming, which I whole-heartedly support.

Here we see a Hardee's Commercial staring Mr. Pudzer and Texas Governor Rick Perry.... Within moments, they will be almost naked and wrestling on a hay bale.

Here we see a Hardee’s Commercial staring Mr. Puzder and Texas Governor Rick Perry…. Within moments, they will be almost naked and wrestling on a hay bale.

Hardee’s is owned by CKE Restaurants, and the CEO of CKE Restaurants is a man named Andrew Puzder. Andy Puzder is an outspoken critic of raising the minimum wage…. Which is understandable, because some of that wage increase would certainly come out of the $4.485 million per year he makes as CEO (at least that’s what he made in 2012). He was also an Economic Adviser and a spokesman for the Romney Campaign for President. He writes a blog that you can see HERE, but don’t expect much…. It’s not nearly as entertaining as mine. He says that Hardee’s target audience is “Young hungry guys and the women that love them.” Maybe leave him a comment or two or a hundred asking him why he feels the need to degrade women in order to sell his burgers. Ask him if it’s because of his low view of young men, or because of his low view of young women….

And last, but not least, you can take the fight to social media. If you are sick of these commercials too, share this post on Facebook. If you share it on Twitter, feel free to tag Mr. Puzder (his Twitter handle is @AndyPuzder) along with the hashtag #NotBuyingIt. Send him a message about how disappointed you are, and let him know that he’s better than that. This is not just for parents who are tired of having to quick scamper for the remote to change the channel when a Hardee’s commercial comes on…. This is for everyone. We’re better than this, people!

Posted in 2) Politics, 5) Not Quite Sure | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

How To Find A Church When You’ve Given Up On Church

When watching The Daily Show makes you feel closer to God than going to Church, you might be getting ready to give up.

When watching The Daily Show makes you feel closer to God than going to Church, you might be getting ready to give up.

About three years ago, I decided I wasn’t going to go to Church anymore. Like many of you, I grew up going to church…. But like many of you, there came a time when it just didn’t work for me anymore. There were parts I still loved–the music, the fellowship, the friends–but I was just so sick of being disappointed every week. Things were getting more and more political (in the worst way), and it began to sound like folks believed that God rewarded “the faithful” by making them rich. There was a disturbing sense of certainty that is not uncommon in conservative Churches…. but it was more than just conservative vs. liberal, or any of those clumsy labels. Really, at the heart of it was a difference in our understanding of who God is, and it became harder and harder to reconcile a picture of a God that seemed so starkly different than “the Image of God” I understood Jesus to be. I was okay feeling like a missionary to conservative Christians at first, but after a while it just made me feel exhausted. And I gave up…. Not on God, but I sure gave up on Church.

This is not what it's about.

This is not what it’s about.

Just about everyone has been hurt by a church at one point or another–Many of us more than once. Maybe it wasn’t the actual Church leadership that hurt you. Maybe it was just a person who was trying to rationalize their hatred with some random Bible verse. Maybe it was a denomination that views change and reform as something to be feared and demonized, instead of something that has been part of our history all along. Maybe it was a tradition that reads the Bible like an accounting ledger instead of a book of poetry. Maybe you were like me, and you stayed in a faith community long past the point you knew it wasn’t where you belonged (but you lingered because of relationships or inertia or whatever), and it took something awful (like an Easter service where no mention of the resurrection is made, but 45 minutes is spent talking about stories of financial success that came about by faithful tithing) that leaves your eyes filled with tears and your mouth filled with promises never to return. We’ve all been hurt…. But that’s to be expected, because the Church isn’t a building–It’s people. And where there are people, people are going to end up getting hurt. It’s what we do.

Everyone knows the prophet Amos was a die-hard republican....

Everyone knows the prophet Amos was a die-hard republican….

Some Churches feel the need to draw firm lines of orthodoxy so that everyone knows who’s in and who’s out. And for some people, those Churches that preach certainty are exactly what they are looking for. If that’s what works for you right now, great! I know that God is capable of doing really amazing things in the lives of the people at all kinds of places of worship. And one cool thing is if you are looking for a church that is all about how wrong the other churches out there are getting it, I’ve got some good news for you: There are a whole lot of churches out there for you. But if you’re anything like me, and these fear-based places just don’t cut it anymore, I’ve also got some good news for you: There are Churches out there for you as well. I know–I have finally found one, and it is like a breath of fresh air. In finding a Church which I can not only put up with, but one I actually look forward to, I have learned a few helpful tips in the process that might help you in your search as well. I’d like to share them with you:

TALK TO PEOPLE–This may seem simple, but talk to people about your frustrations with Church. Don’t be ashamed, you are not alone. If the person you’re talking to tries to correct your errant ideas with “the clear teachings of scripture,” keep looking. If the person you’re talking to actually listens to you, it’s a step in the right direction. If you find that the person you are talking to had a lot of the same frustrations as you, and he or she found their Church to be a really welcoming place, there’s a chance you might find it to be a safe place as well.

Nothing will get my wife into a Church like Justin Timberlake.

Nothing will get my wife into a Church like Justin Timberlake.

CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE–It’s hard to get an idea of what a Church is like from a website, but you can get some clues. Many sites have videos…. Watch them. Look at the pictures…. Is there any diversity in color or age? Read the bios of the pastors. My wife decided she was willing to give our Church a try partially because the worship pastor listed “Justin Timberlake and Macklemore” under the question “What music are you listening to right now?” Look for clues. Again, labels can be very clumsy, but if you are a person who generally likes what I write, a “progressive” Church might be a better fit. If you find me infuriating and blasphemous, a progressive Church might not work. (As an aside, if you see the phrase “Bible-Believing,” be aware: This is Church code for “We’re right, and everyone else is going to Hell.”)

Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit....

Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit….

VISIT THE CHURCH–Duh, right? But you’ve got to go. Sometimes, you can tell right away that it’s not a good fit. Like if you drive up and see an American flag the size of a tennis court flying next to the Church, you should probably just skip and go straight to Chipotle for lunch (the lines get long on Sundays). Look for bumper stickers…. Do the ones that you see generally piss you off? That’s not a good sign. For me, there are some things that I just can’t deal with…. Like, if you even get a hint–A HINT!–that they are selling the story that God is going to somehow make you rich because of the money that you give to the church, RUN, do not walk, toward the exits, hustle to your car, let your car door swing open so wildly that it accidentally puts a ding in the Escalade parked next to you, and try another church next week. Treating the tithe like a hot stock tip is just a deal breaker.

MEET PEOPLE–Shake some hands, make eye contact…. Did people say hello? Were people friendly without being creepy? Was everyone wearing the same color Converse high tops? Did things feel inclusive or exclusive? Did conversations feel comfortable or pushy? Were the people in charge of taking care of your kids competent and kind? Did your kids enjoy their class? This one may take a few visits to get a handle on and navigate, but basically–Did you feel welcome and were people nice, or did you feel like an outsider?

LISTEN TO THE MUSIC–For many (myself included), music is a very important part of the service. Listen to what is being sung…. Does it sound true to you? Some people are like, “I could never go to a Church with drums and a guitar.” Others roll their eyes at the sight of an organ or choir robes. Here is my advice: Do not make a rash decision about the church based on how “contemporary” the worship is. Give it time…. Some Churches with old, conservative-sounding worship are as liberal as they come with their theology. And vice versa. Just listen and give it a chance. It is the heart of worship that matters.

Arm wrestling with God....

Arm wrestling with God…. It’s hard.

LISTEN TO THE SERMON–Did it speak to you? Did the pastor portray God as someone Jesus saves us FROM, or reconciles us TO? Do they tackle the hard questions? And probably more importantly: Do they do it with a sense of humility? When they get to the parts that are hard to make sense of (and believe me, there are a lot of them), do they acknowledge and even welcome that tension? Or do they handle that tension with a big fat “Because God says so when He wrote it in the Bible.” There are plenty of “God said it, I believe it, that settles it” sort-of-churches out there, but many of us are finding that model just doesn’t work anymore. The name “Israel” means “to wrestle with God.” We come from a very long tradition of things not being perfectly clear.

TALK TO PEOPLE IN LEADERSHIP–Talk to the pastor…. Is he or she accessible? Ask about other Churches in town…. Are they honoring of other faith traditions? Ask the pastor what he or she thinks of an author or a prominent church voice that you are familiar with or even agree with…. Do they even know who that person is? Sometimes ignorance can be just as telling as a difference of opinion. And if you’re really feeling brave, ask them how they feel about the LGBT community. I know that for most people, this one issue is not the most important consideration when finding a Church (unless you happen to be gay and looking for a Church, in which case it is VERY important), but it IS a sort of litmus test. If a Church is accepting and affirming gay folks, chances are pretty good that it is going to be the sort of community that welcomes questions. And even doubts…. Two things you might have plenty of if you are anything like me.

So if you are one of those people–people like me–who gave up on Church, but didn’t give up on God, I want to encourage you: You don’t HAVE to give up on Church! There are places for you out there, they’re just a little bit harder to find. We need Church. This journey toward God, this recognition of God’s journey toward us, this letting go of the lies we’ve believed, this learning to love and forgive–We were not meant to do this alone. The one thing that God looked at in the creation story and said, “This isn’t good” about is the man trying to do it on his own. We were meant for community. And as much as we need that Church community, the world need us to be a different picture of the love of God–A God that says, “Do not be afraid! I’ve got some good news of great joy that will be for ALL PEOPLE.” The voices telling of an exclusionary God are loud enough…. The world needs to hear our voices as well, proclaiming a gospel of inclusion that actually sounds like good news. And we’re way louder when we proclaim it together.

***As a Post Script, if you are in the Nashville/Franklin area and you’re looking for a really cool Church community, GracePointe Church is fantastic. In addition, if you are a reader from other areas, and this description sounds like your Church, feel free to leave the name & area of that Church, just in case other people in your area are looking for a safe place to land.

Posted in 1) Jesus | Tagged , , , , | 44 Comments

God Bless Our 2nd Amendment!!!

No means no.

No means no.

Things are getting more and more dangerous out there, people! Everywhere you look, there are people dying–firing range instructors getting shot by a nine year old girl with an uzi, unarmed teenagers in Missouri…. It’s EVERYWHERE! Now, there might be some people out there who are considering buying a BIG CAT (possibly a tiger) for protection, but anyone with any brains in their stupid head knows that the only thing that can make a person feel safer with all these people being killed by guns is…. you guessed it: MORE GUNS! Thank God above and his gun-loving son Jesus for the protections afforded us in our 2nd Amendment.

Unfortunately, it seems like everyone has a gun these days–even toddlers killing their 11 year old sisters–so it looks like we’re going to have to resort to different sorts of ARMS that God gave us “THE RIGHT TO KEEP AND BEAR” when He wrote the Constitution. Here are a few of my ideas:

You can take my Anthrax Needler® when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!

You can take my Anthrax Needler® when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!

I want a gun that fires needles that are filled with Anthrax! And I ain’t talking about the singin’ group…. We’re talking about those deadly spores. Sure, it won’t kill them right away, but stick ‘em with a few anthrax needles, and they’ll die sooner or later. Maybe the gun could shoot some powder into the air as well, just in case they are wearing a needle-proof vest. Wait, do they make armor-piercing needles? If they don’t, it’s probably Obama’s fault. It reminds me of that old cautionary tale: “First they took my armor-piercing Anthrax-filled needles….”

A squirt gun filled with acid is my God-given right as an American!!! Enough of this “lead bullet” BS…. If you try to short-change me on some Swisher Sweets, from now on I’m going to squirt your stupid face with some acid. Everyone keeps talking about “non-lethal weapons.” Well, this one probably won’t kill you…. but it’ll sure scar the crap out of your face, though. And probably blind you. And thugs can’t steal what thugs can’t see…. At least that’s what my mama always said. Introducing The Acid Soaker®

"Take one step closer and two weeks from now you will regret it!!!"

“Take one step closer and two weeks from now you will regret it!!!”

Balloons filled with Ebola-Infected blood!!!!! You think you only have to worry about Ebola in west Africa?!? Think again, criminal! You just got hit in the face with one of my Ebola Blood Balloons, sucka!! I was feeling threatened, and you kept coming toward me, and since we can now safely assume that every single person we meet has got a gun on their person, my force was justified. God himself has given me the right to STAND MY GROUND with my EBB® (And it was taut, too–It wasn’t one of those half-filled balloons that bounce when you drop them. Those limp balloons are like keeping an unloaded Anthrax Needler® next to your bed…. What’s the point of that?). Again, Ebola might not kill you–At least not right away…. They say the mortality rate is only about 60%–but it’ll sure make you WISH you were dead.

Gun control is using two hands, baby. Even with a Rocket launcher.... Even when they're kids' hands.

Gun control is using two hands, baby. Even with a Rocket launcher…. Even when they’re kids’ hands.

These are just a few ideas, but there are a lot of others. Like rocket-propelled grenades! I mean, why leave any evidence? It makes sense to kill people with arms that only leaves evidence that you can fit into a sandwich bag. Or a Moonraker Laser! Why aren’t these things being mass-produced? They had these things developed when freaking Roger Moore was playing James Bond…. WHERE’S MY FREAKING MOONRAKER LASER?!? Or at least one of those cool lasers from Real Genius that shot through the trees and the statue. I mean, IS THIS AMERICA, OR ISN’T IT???? And why is it that the “MILITARY” is the only one who gets to shoot Hellfire Missiles at people? What if I need to make a precision strike against a heavily armored target that is making me feel like my life is in danger!?! What am I going to do–Throw an Ebola Balloon at them!???!!!!!! Thanks a lot, Obama….

Posted in 2) Politics, 5) Not Quite Sure | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

5 Reminders That There Are A Lot of Good Cops Out There

The more things change, the more things stay the same....

The more things change, the more things stay the same….

There are plenty of things to be critical of about what is happening in Ferguson, MO right now…. Too many things to count. The thought of trying to to point out all of the messed up things about that situation makes me feel incredibly overwhelmed, but mostly just sad. I cannot tell you how tired I am of white America looking for the reason–even expecting the reason–for why YET ANOTHER young black man has been gunned down and killed (for a really insightful take on this issue, you should read my friend’s blog HERE). And then, when they find a reason (like finding out that Trayvon Martin had smoked pot before), there’s this disturbing sigh of relief…. Like, “THERE is is…. That’s why he got gunned down.” I don’t know if Michael Brown stole some Swisher Sweets from a convenience store or not, but even if he did, stealing cigarettes is not a reason to get killed. The militarization of our police force has got to stop. The filling of our prisons with young black men who are convicted of non-violent crimes has got to stop. The profiling of African Americans, and the “What did you say to me, boy?” way of dealing with black youth by some people in law enforcement has GOT TO STOP.

But here’s an important thing to remember: Most police officers are really good people who really are doing their jobs the right way. The police motto is “To Protect and Serve.” There are all kinds of police officers out there who are doing just that. They are building relationships with communities, and they are building trust with people…. Without tear gas or rubber bullets (which are at least better than real bullets) or riot gear. It is easy for us to focus our attention on images of brutality, but that is not the norm. Here are a few reminders that there are so many police officers out there who are making good decisions and preserving the peace…. All while sometimes putting themselves in harm’s way:

HERE IS AN OFFICER LOSING A DANCE OFF…. BADLY

HERE IS AN OFFICER BUYING A HOMELESS MAN A PAIR OF SHOES

odd_shoes_homeless

From a Facebook comment: “in a time when our hearts are in despair and we are bombarded with bad news, it is the human spirit and acts of kindness who really define who we are. God bless!”

HERE IS AN OFFICER WHO WAS CAUGHT BUYING A KID SOME FOOD, JUST BEFORE HE WAS SHOT AND KILLED MINUTES LATER

HERE IS AN OFFICER HIGH-FIVING A WOMAN DOING A BEER BONG

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, HERE IS AN OFFICER WHO KEEPS HIS GUN IN HIS HOLSTER, WHO ENDS UP BEING HELPED BY A HOMELESS MAN

Where institutionalized racism and prejudice and injustice are present in communities, we all need to come together and call it what it is. We need to stand together–whatever we look like, and wherever we come from–and loudly proclaim that it is not okay. I believe that the folks in Ferguson have every right to be angry. And a case could be made that they have every right to hit back. But just like Martin Luther King, Jr. said before a protest in Alabama, “Blood may flow in the streets of Montgomery before we gain our freedom, but it must be our blood that flows, and not that of the white man. We must not harm a single hair on the head of our white brothers.” This is the path to peace. And, more importantly, it’s the path to reconciliation. God, where we see videos of angry black youth looting stores and lighting fires and we think, “They’re all like that”–FORGIVE US! And God, where we see videos of police officers using intimidation and excessive force and we think, “They’re all like that”–FORGIVE US! For every time we look at the actions of a few–whether the thing that makes them different is a color or a nationality of a religion–and we think to ourselves, “They’re all like that,” God, forgive us! And change our hearts…. Beloved, let us love one another!

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Oh Captain, My Captain!

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we're members of the human race…

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we’re members of the human race…

I remember that night like it was yesterday…. I was old enough for a moped, but not old enough for a car. I and some friends went to see a movie downtown in the little Michigan tourist town I grew up in. It only had one screen–one of those hundred year old theaters that got transformed into a place to watch movies–and, for some reason, that night the line to get in was around the corner. We found some seats before they were all taken. The air was electric…. And from the very beginning to the very end, the movie Dead Poets Society spoke to me like no movie had ever spoken to me before.

Tears.

Tears.

I haven’t been walking around thinking, “Man, Robin Williams really means a lot to me.” Not until this afternoon, that is. All of a sudden, Facebook is filled up with remembrances and quotes and pictures and clips from movies, and my eyes are filled up with tears. I grew up laughing with Mork & Mindy. I watched Good Morning Vietnam on HBO by myself as a kid, and I learned about speaking the truth when it is hard. Oh Awakenings…. Oh Hook…. Oh Aladdin‘s Genie…. You taught me lessons about what it means to be human. I think Birdcage might have been the first gay couple I had seen in a movie and genuinely LIKED. I felt my theology being stretched in What Dreams May Come, and as you said those words–“It’s not your fault”–over and over in Good Will Hunting, I felt like you were saying them to me. And a part of me believed you….

It's not my fault....

It’s not my fault….

But nothing compares to what happened that day, in the old Grand Movie Theater, as we watched Dead Poets Society. It was like we had all been hungry, but we didn’t know what for. But we had been waiting for it. Waiting for you to whisper, “Carpe…. Hear it? Carpe…. Carpe diem…. Seize the day boys. Make your lives extraordinary.” There was a poet in me too, Captain! I wanted to Sound my Barbaric YAWP over the Rooftops of the World! I was inspired! I wanted to suck the marrow! I was a ROMANTIC…. I finally had a word for it.

Those word spoke to me, and changed something in me. But something happened that day that I doubt I will ever see again in my life. Most of the way through the film, after Neil dies and the school is looking for a scapegoat, the boys get together and that stupid, red-headed kid says he finked on Mr. Keating. He says, “If you guys are smart, you’ll do exactly like I did.” And at that moment when the words “Let Keating fry” were met by Charlie’s fist, I cheered. I YAWPED in celebration, and I lept out of my seat onto my feet… hands in the air. Seconds later, I remembered where I was, and for a moment I was embarrassed for standing up and cheering in a movie theater…. Until I looked around, and I saw at least half of the people in that theater on their feet with me. Cheering. I still get goosebumps thinking about it today: The better part of an audience, leaping to their feet at the same time, enraged and inspired…. It’ll never happen again.

And as that movie ended, I wished I could have stood on those desks with those other boys–actors and strangers who, after just two hours, felt like my brothers–and told you Robin Williams/Mr. Keating/father-figure that what just took place meant something to me. Something beyond simply enjoying a movie. Something that would fan the flame of a song writer in me. A lover. A poet. A romantic. Something that would send me toward an English Major in college. Something that still inspires me as I write this here tonight. Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” I often feel that way…. But I still hear those words you said to those boys–my brothers: “Don’t be resigned to that. Break out!” I’m still trying.

Thank you, Robin Williams for your life. The powerful play goes on, and you have contributed a verse…. May you finally know peace. And rest.

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The Man Who Blessed The Bombs

When the United States dropped bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki 69 years ago, a priest named Father George Zabelka was the man who blessed the bombers. Through a relationship with Martin Luther King Jr, he came to realize that the “necessary killing” of war to which he had given his support was  completely incompatible with Christianity. Today there are military conflicts in Syria and Iraq and Gaza that the people in power can imagine no way out of other than more bullets and bombs and bloodshed, and once again, the Church is largely putting their support behind this plan of killing our enemies. The Biblical scholar John L. McKenzie said, “If we cannot know from the New Testament that Jesus absolutely rejected violence, we can know nothing of his teaching or message. It is the clearest of teachings.” This is still true today…. Martin Luther King learned it, George Zabelka learned it, and we need to learn it too. The following is a speech that Zebelka gave at the 40th anniversary of the bombings. I beg you to read it and let its truth wash over you (I have put some of the passages in bold print):

This is not what peace looks like.

This is not what peace looks like.

The destruction of civilians in war was always forbidden by the Church, and if a soldier came to me and asked if he could put a bullet through a child’s head, I would have told him, absolutely not. That would be mortally sinful.  But in 1945 Tinian Island was the largest airfield in the world. Three planes a minute could take off from it around the clock. Many of these planes went to Japan with the express purpose of killing not one child or one civilian but of slaughtering hundreds and thousands and tens of thousands of children and civilians – and I said nothing.

As a Catholic chaplain I watched as the Boxcar, piloted by a good Irish Catholic pilot, dropped the bomb on Urakami Cathedral in Nagasaki, the center of Catholicism in Japan. I never preached a single sermon against killing civilians to the men who were doing it… It never entered my mind to protest publicly the consequences of these massive air raids. I was told it was necessary – told openly by the military and told implicitly by my Church’s leadership.

I worked with Martin Luther King, Jr., during the Civil Rights struggle in Flint, Michigan. His example and his words of nonviolent action, choosing love instead of hate, truth instead of lies, and nonviolence instead of violence stirred me deeply. This brought me face to face with pacifism – active nonviolent resistance to evil. I recall his words after he was jailed in Montgomery, and this blew my mind. He said, “Blood may flow in the streets of Montgomery before we gain our freedom, but it must be our blood that flows, and not that of the white man. We must not harm a single hair on the head of our white brothers.”

Prophet.

Prophet.

I struggled. I argued. But yes, there it was in the Sermon on the Mount, very clear: “Love your enemies. Return good for evil.” I went through a crisis of faith. Either accept what Christ said, as unpassable and silly as it may seem, or deny him completely. For the last 1700 years the Church has not only been making war respectable: it has been inducing people to believe it is an honorable profession, an honorable Christian profession. This is not true. We have been brainwashed. This is a lie.

War is now, always has been, and always will be bad, bad news. I was there. I saw real war. Those who have seen real war will bear me out. I assure you, it is not of Christ. It is not Christ’s way. There is no way to conduct real war in conformity with the teachings of Jesus.

The ethics of mass butchery cannot be found in the teachings of Jesus. In Just War ethics, Jesus Christ, who is supposed to be all in the Christian life, is irrelevant. He might as well never have existed. In Just War ethics, no appeal is made to him or his teaching, because no appeal can be made to him or his teaching, for neither he nor his teaching gives standards for Christians to follow in order to determine what level of slaughter is acceptable.

So the world is watching today. Ethical hairsplitting over the morality of various types of instruments and structures of mass slaughter is not what the world needs from the Church, although it is what the world has come to expect from the followers of Christ. What the world needs is a grouping of Christians that will stand up and pay up with Jesus Christ. What the world needs is Christians who, in language that the simplest soul could understand, will proclaim: the follower of Christ cannot participate in mass slaughter. He or she must love as Christ loved, live as Christ lived, and, if necessary, die as Christ died, loving ones enemies.

This is George. He died in 1992 but the truth of his words lives on.

This is George. He died in 1992 but the truth of his words lives on.

For the 300 years immediately following Jesus’ resurrection, the Church universally saw Christ and his teaching as nonviolent. Remember that the Church taught this ethic in the face of at least three serious attempts by the state to liquidate her. It was subject to horrendous and ongoing torture and death. If ever there was an occasion for justified retaliation and defensive slaughter, whether in form of a just war or a just revolution, this was it. The economic and political elite of the Roman state and their military had turned the citizens of the state against Christians and were embarked on a murderous public policy of exterminating the Christian community. Yet the Church, in the face of the heinous crimes committed against her members, insisted without reservation that when Christ disarmed Peter he disarmed all Christians.

Christians continued to believe that Christ was, to use the words of an ancient liturgy, their fortress, their refuge, and their strength, and that if Christ was all they needed for security and defense, then Christ was all they should have. Indeed, this was a new security ethic. Christians understood that if they would only follow Christ and his teaching, they couldn’t fail. When opportunities were given for Christians to appease the state by joining the fighting Roman army, these opportunities were rejected, because the early Church saw a complete and an obvious incompatibility between loving as Christ loved and killing. It was Christ, not Mars, who gave security and peace.

Today the world is on the brink of ruin because the Church refuses to be the Church, because we Christians have been deceiving ourselves and the non-Christian world about the truth of Christ. There is no way to follow Christ, to love as Christ loved, and simultaneously to kill other people. It is a lie to say that the spirit that moves the trigger of a flamethrower is the Holy Spirit. It is a lie to say that learning to kill is learning to be Christ-like. It is a lie to say that learning to drive a bayonet into the heart of another is motivated from having put on the mind of Christ. Militarized Christianity is a lie. It is radically out of conformity with the teaching, life, and spirit of Jesus.

Symbolism

Symbolism.

Now, brothers and sisters, on the anniversary of this terrible atrocity carried out by Christians, I must be the first to say that I made a terrible mistake. I was had by the father of lies. I participated in the big ecumenical lie of the Catholic, Protestant, and Orthodox churches. I wore the uniform. I was part of the system. When I said Mass over there I put on those beautiful vestments over my uniform. (When Father Dave Becker left the Trident submarine base in 1982 and resigned as Catholic chaplain there, he said, “Every time I went to Mass in my uniform and put the vestments on over my uniform, I couldn’t help but think of the words of Christ applying to me: Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing.”)

As an Air Force chaplain I painted a machine gun in the loving hands of the nonviolent Jesus, and then handed this perverse picture to the world as truth. I sang “Praise the Lord” and passed the ammunition. As Catholic chaplain for the 509th Composite Group, I was the final channel that communicated this fraudulent image of Christ to the crews of the Enola Gay and the Boxcar.

All I can say today is that I was wrong. Christ would not be the instrument to unleash such horror on his people. Therefore no follower of Christ can legitimately unleash the horror of war on God’s people. Excuses and self-justifying explanations are without merit. All I can say is: I was wrong! But, if this is all I can say, this I must do, feeble as it is. For to do otherwise would be to bypass the first and absolutely essential step in the process of repentance and reconciliation: admission of error, admission of guilt.

There have been many reports of beheadings in the middle east today. Please remember that killing people because "God thinks you should" is the cause of this. Whether is is by bullet, bomb, or sword, religious fundamentalism mixed with nationalism results in dead kids. God Help us.

There have been many reports of beheadings in the middle east today. Please remember that killing people because “God thinks you should” is the cause of this. Whether is is by bullet, bomb, or sword, religious fundamentalism mixed with nationalism results in dead kids. God Help us.

I asked forgiveness from the Hibakushas (the Japanese survivors of the atomic bombings) in Japan last year, in a pilgrimage that I made with a group from Tokyo to Hiroshima. I fell on my face there at the peace shrine after offering flowers, and I prayed for forgiveness – for myself, for my country, for my Church. Both Nagasaki and Hiroshima. This year in Toronto, I again asked forgiveness from the Hibakushas present. I asked forgiveness, and they asked forgiveness for Pearl Harbor and some of the horrible deeds of the Japanese military, and there were some, and I knew of them. We embraced. We cried. Tears flowed. That is the first step of reconciliation – admission of guilt and forgiveness. Pray to God that others will find this way to peace.

Thank God that I’m able to stand here today and speak out against war, all war. The prophets of the Old Testament spoke out against all false gods of gold, silver, and metal. Today we are worshipping the gods of metal, the bomb. We are putting our trust in physical power, militarism, and nationalism. The bomb, not God, is our security and our strength. The prophets of the Old Testament said simply: Do not put your trust in chariots and weapons, but put your trust in God. Their message was simple, and so is mine.

We must all become prophets. I really mean that. We must all do something for peace. We must stop this insanity of worshipping the gods of metal. We must take a stand against evil and idolatry. This is our destiny at the most critical time of human history. But it’s also the greatest opportunity ever offered to any group of people in the history of our world – to save our world from complete annihilation.”

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God Loves Hamas

I realize that even reading those three words is deeply offensive to so many people. I just googled the words “God loves Hamas,” and there were only six results. Six. On the entire internet. So I’m aware that it’s not a very popular sentiment. But before you skip ahead to the comments section and write with all the righteous anger inside of you, please do me a favor and read what I’ve written. It is short…

Different madmen....

Different madmen….

First, a parable: Imagine that a group of madmen runs into a school and starts shooting at police from the windows of the school–still filled with children. Then the police, aware of all the children in that school, decide to shell the school in an attempt to kill the madmen…. killing 16 civilians–mostly women and children–and wounding scores of others. Who is to blame for the deaths? Are the madmen to blame, or are the police?

The answer is yes. Yes, the madmen are to blame. Yes, the police are to blame. Yes.

And with the violence in Palestine, with these military attacks and the death, destruction, and humanitarian crisis that naturally follows, the world argues over whose “fault” it is. “They took our land!” “They struck first!” “They are oppressing us!” “They want us dead!” “WE ARE IN THE RIGHT!” But the fault in Gaza is not with one side or the other side…. The fault is in the very concept of sides. It is in the concept of revenge. It is in the concept of meeting violence with violence. It is in the very idea that those on the other side are so far beyond redemption that they don’t deserve to live. The great tragedy of war is not how many people die. The greater tragedy is how many people are willing to kill. We all die someday….

“...I believe in a God of scandalous grace. I have pledged allegiance to a King who loved evildoers so much he died for them, teaching us that there is something worth dying for but nothing worth killing for.” ~ Shane Claiborne, one of my heroes.

“…I believe in a God of scandalous grace. I have pledged allegiance to a King who loved evildoers so much he died for them, teaching us that there is something worth dying for but nothing worth killing for.” ~ Shane Claiborne, one of my heroes.

One side screams “HUMAN SHIELDS!” The other side rattles off statistics. Over 1800 dead, 400 dead kids, almost 250 dead women…. But even distinguishing these statistics is such a messed up, “seeing things the way the world sees them” way of looking at things. As if all the men who died had it coming. The world makes distinctions between killing the “guilty” and killing the innocent, but young or old, man or woman, they all leave behind people who love them. And without an intentional break in the cycle of violence, the ones left behind end up building on the hate that look the life of their loved one until it leads to even more suffering and death. And on and on and on….

But Jesus looked at a crowd of people and said, “You have heard it said….” And just like that crowd, we “hear it said” all the time. We hear it said every time Christians make a case for carrying around very effective killing tools just in case. We hear it said when Tennessee passes a law making the electric chair legal again, just in case we run out of the chemicals we need to kill people for killing people. We hear it said when pro-Israel and pro-Gaza people both make a case for why the other side deserves to die. We “have heard it said” every day. However, there is one who says, “But I tell you… Do not resist… Turn… Hand over… Go with them… Give… Love….” Imagine if the church started acting like Jesus actually meant that stuff. The spirit of the world cries out for vengeance, but the Spirit of God cries out for mercy.

"O people, the LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God."

“O people, the LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

And when the world sees that mercy in action, it recognizes it as something holy. Something special. Something beyond us. Our humanity recoils as we watch people demand blood for blood, but when we witness a broken person forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it, something deep in us resonates with the Spirit of God. The world has no choice but to see Jesus when they see his followers loving the seemingly unlovable. When we see the Pope washing feet of prisoners, we see Jesus. When we see a man fighting to save the life of the woman who murdered his grandmother, we see Jesus. We are called to love our enemies. Why? Because God loves them, and we are called to be like God. Even Fred Phelps? Especially Fred Phelps. Even the Boston Bombers? Especially the Boston Bombers. And this is why I love Palestine. And this is why I love Israel. And this is why I even love Hamas. Because I believe that God Loves Hamas. Just like God loved Assyria when he sent Jonah to Nineveh. God love us–ALL OF US–and he really wants us to learn how to love each other.

What hope does a child have when all he's ever been taught is hate?

What hope does a child have when all he’s ever been taught is hate?

Many of us would love to have a God who hates the same people we hate, but that’s not what we have. It’s easy to look at our enemies and decide they are just evil–and there might be some truly evil folks out there–but I believe that for the most part, people aren’t evil. Actions are evil. People are just deceived. What would happen if instead of thinking of people as evil, we thought of them as people who have believed a lie? How would that change how we treated them? Jesus referred to himself as “The Truth.” We do not spread The Truth by killing the people who have believed a lie. The world takes the side of Israel or the world takes the side of Gaza, but the Church is not the world. The Church has a Third Way. Our place is not to decide which side is more justified in killing the other–Our place is to work to end suffering, and to call humanity back to its senses. And this is important: Our place is not to simply stay out of it either–Even when we say nothing, our silence speaks very loudly. Oh Church–Let us bravely and lovingly proclaim this third way to a world who desperately needs to hear it!

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The 10 Best Things About Having A Wife

Twelve years is a long time. I’m no marriage rookie–I KNOW THINGS! More things than I knew twelve years ago–That’s for sure. I’ve been married for almost a third of my life, so I’m sharing with you some of the things I’ve learned. And yes, I realize that some of the things on this list I’ve compiled could be true for a girlfriend, or ANY woman for that matter.  But there is just something different about a woman who loves you enough to say forever, and back it up–It changes things. There are all kinds of good things about having a wife….I don’t have time to list them all, but here are some of my favorites:

I make this same face when I get scratchy.

I make this same face when I get scratchy.

FINGERNAILS–There are some problems that can only be solved by my wife scratching my back while we lay in bed. In our house, we call it “scratchy.” As in, “Can you give me some scratchy?” My nails are nearly nonexistent, so I am usually asked for some “rubby,” but sometimes scratchy fixes things that rubby can’t fix (Upon further consultation with my wife, I have been informed that I am the only one who calls it “rubby.” She just says, “Will you rub my back?” Now that I think about it, that sounds right….). I think the peace that it brings is some sort of evolutionary echo of having another ape sit behind you and pick the ticks off your hairy back. Either way, scratchy soothes the savage beast.

REMEMBERING PEOPLE’S NAMES–I am terrible with names. For some reason, I don’t remember people’s names, but instead I somehow visualize how many letters they have in their name and guess names with the same amount of letters. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen someone (whose name I knew I was supposed to know) and snuck away into a bathroom to call my wife so she can tell me what the person’s name is. But it’s not just when I’m on my own that she helps me. When she’s at her best she will sense that I have once again forgotten a person’s name (to whom I should be introducing her) and she will instinctively offer her name in a way that forces them to say theirs. Life saver.

"Let's hear it for boobs!"

“Let’s hear it for boobs!”

BOOBS–Boobs are great. I mean, seriously…. What’s not to like? Not only are they fun and they look great, but if you have kids, you find out later that they come with the duel capabilities of keeping your kids alive while ALSO getting them to stop crying for a minute. Plus, do you have any idea how expensive formula is?!? It’s just a little bit more expensive than cocaine, so that means breast milk is liquid gold–I wrote a bit about it HERE. Anyway, boobs are magic. I’m a big fan.

KIDS–I know, I know…. You don’t need a wife to have a baby, but it sure makes thing a whole lot easier. I have three kids, and I cannot even imagine the shenanigans that would go down in this house if it wasn’t for my wife. We remind each other to breathe when those little people start losing their minds. Kids make everything in your life MORE–More fun, more frustrating, more full. And that “more” the kids bring magnifies all those things with your wife as well. Whether wives end up being moms or not, women just MAKE THE WORLD BETTER.

HARMONIZING TO MUSIC–I realize that this one doesn’t apply to everyone, but if you are lucky enough to find someone who can sing harmony, everything gets slightly better. Cleaning the kitchen with music on? Better. Singing in Church? Better. Road trips? Better. I really lucked out on this one, which is good…. We spend a lot of time in that minivan, and if she was tone-deaf I’d probably have to have the music up so loud that it would hurt the kids’ ears.

My wife is like this. Only cuter.

My wife is like this. Only cuter.

HANDLING THE TIMES WHEN LIFE SUCKS–There are times in every life when you just want to say “Screw it.” Times when you just want to move the TV into the bedroom, eat ice cream for lunch at three in the afternoon, and give up. Times you are sad enough that your beard becomes a mess of snot and tears and despair. I don’t know if we were meant to handle those sorts of times by ourselves–without the touch of a loved one’s hand–but I am so glad to have had someone there to tell me it’s going to be alright. Someone to tell me it’s alright that I’m laying down for two days. Someone to tell me it’s time to get up, and remind me why it’s worth it. And the cool thing is that you get to remind her why it’s worth it when she forgets too. We all forget every now and then….

YOU LIVE LONGER–Sure, it ups your chances for obesity, but all in all, it’s mostly good health effects. Having a wife helps you to have lower stress levels, and always having someone to be emotionally engaged with helps decrease your chance of dementia. You’re even less likely to die from cancer–Probably because your wife pestered you into going to the doctor to get that weird looking mole looked at. You know, the one that she always points out while she’s giving you scratchy….

SOMEONE TO TELL YOUR SECRETS–Just today, I told my wife something I have never told anyone else that is so embarrassing that she made a face like she just smelled a dirty diaper. Then she looks at me, while still making that same face, and says, “Yeah…. I wouldn’t ever tell anyone else that.” And then she still has to love you! It’s in the Bible.

She might give me advice like "Please don't wear that baby shirt to Church again." You can buy this at Aliexpress.com, by the way.

She might give me advice like “Please don’t wear that baby shirt to Church again.” You can buy this at Aliexpress.com, by the way.

FREE FASHION ADVICE–Whether you want it or not. Well…. You know what? I wouldn’t put this down as one of the “best” things. It’s kind of a give and take. And no one ever said you HAVE to take the advice. I can tell you this, though. I hate shopping, and since the wife has been around, I can’t tell you the last time I went shopping for clothes for myself. I just wear what’s in the closet until she convinces me to throw it away, and then she usually brings me something else to wear. So that’s something…. This must also contribute to the low stress health benefits.

FIGURING OUT WHO YOU ARE–I’m convinced this is the best part of having a wife. Being able to see yourself through her eyes is a path to enlightenment. Marriage is like a giant spotlight on all of your insecurities and your garbage. In the beginning, marriage is mostly just a carefree blur of sex and eating out and sex, but before long you realize that this person has some issues. But what is really cool is that during this sometimes volatile period where you try to inform your wife of the things she needs to work on, if you’re lucky (or even a little bit wise) you’ll see that most of the issues that bug you the most are your own. And then comes the real growth: Figuring out what a mess you are, finding peace with some things, and working to change the others.

So yeah. If you’re thinking about getting yourself a wife, I highly recommend it–It’s the coolest thing I’ve ever done. Sorry, mine’s taken.

Posted in 3) Bathroom Humor, 5) Not Quite Sure | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

The NFL’s Punishment For Knocking a Woman Unconscious Is The Same As Their Punishment For Smoking Weed

This picture represents everything that is right with Fantasy Football.

This picture represents everything that is right with Fantasy Football.

I love football. I love this time of year. The days are getting shorter, it’s not a blazing hot all the time, and soon, it will be time for another disappointing season of Fantasy Football. I know, I know–I am a dork, but I love it. I look forward to it all summer long. Because of Fantasy Football, I know entirely too much about the goings on of the NFL. And though there is usually not a whole lot going on in the world of professional football that would make its way to me writing about it here, I wanted to draw your attention to a couple of recent stories from the NFL that I think are worth talking about. The first is worth criticizing, and the second is worth celebrating. Let’s start with the criticism….

That's not grease under her eyes... Those are just good ol' fashioned black eyes.

That’s not grease under her eyes… Those are just good ol’ fashioned black eyes. NBD.

The NFL just announced that Ray Rice (you probably know him as an alumnus of my FF team “Balls Deep,” but he also is a running back for the Baltimore Ravens) will serve a 2-game suspension for knocking out his then fiancee/now wife during an argument in a casino. They actually got married the very next day. Usually they say to give it a good week after an incident of domestic assault before getting married, but I guess they went against conventional wisdom. Since the announcement of the 2-game suspension, the NFL has received quite a bit of criticism over the severity of the punishment handed down to one its players for beating up a woman on video, and then dragging her unconscious body out of an elevator. It does seem like the equivalent of a slap on the wrist, especially when you consider some of the suspensions players have gotten for other offenses.

For example, last year my team was kept out of the playoffs, partly due to a huge performance by wide receiver Josh Gordon. He was a little bit of a sleeper pick last year. Some people didn’t draft Josh Gordon early, because he was also serving a 2-game suspension as well. His was for smoking marijuana though. I suppose I can see how that would be at the same level as knocking out your fiancee…. Of course, that’s the same suspension Michael Vick got for killing a bunch of dogs. I guess he’s lucky he didn’t accidentally shoot himself in the leg with a gun–That earned Plaxico Burress a 4-game suspension! Though, football players do need their legs to run… They don’t need conscious fiancees. I mean, Albert Haynesworth received a 5-game suspension for stomping on another player during a game, and Jonathan Vilma was suspended for a WHOLE YEAR (16 games) for targeting players with hits. The NFL doesn’t like their athletes getting hurt. Violence against women, however, doesn’t seem to be high on their list of priorities. Please watch this amazing video of Keith Olbermann preaching the truth:

I guess the punishment fits the crime? So, if you’re keeping track at home, violence against women is about 50% as severe as accidentally shooting yourself in the leg, 40% as severe as kicking another player, or 12.5% as severe as trying to hit players so hard it injures them…. Or roughly the equivalent of killing a dog or smoking pot. In the NFL’s defense, Ray Rice IS a good player [sarcasm font]. Still, I’m a little bit pissed off at Ray Rice right now. I’m definitely not drafting him on my team this year…. Unless he’s still available in like the third round…. Or the second round if we’re doing a PPR league this. But yeah…. PISSED…. Maybe late first round in a PPR, I don’t know.

Ahh Twitter, this is what you're good at.

Ahh Twitter, this is what you’re good at.

In more hopeful NFL news, former player David Tyree has had an amazing change of heart. You might remember him for making what could very well be the most amazing catch in the history of the NFL, when he caught a pass from Eli Manning on the top of his helmet during the game-winning drive in the Super Bowl between the Giants and the Patriots. Or you might also know him as a vocal opponent of equal rights for LGBT people. As a player and as a spokesperson for NOM (the National Organization For Marriage, who opposes same-sex marriage), David said he would trade his Super Bowl victory to keep gays from being allowed to marry. He was also a supporter of gay conversion therapy, and he said he “wouldn’t want his children to think gay people are normal.” Which is so very messed up.

One of the best catches ever! It's cool to see that an old dog can still learn a new trick... Especially when that trick is love.

One of the best catches ever! It’s cool to see that an old dog can still learn a new trick… Especially when that trick is love.

But now, in his new role as the New York Giants’ Director of Player Development, David says he would welcome any gay player onto the team. Some cynical folks out there might think he is just playing the PR game in his new position, but it looks like it’s legit. Here’s the thing that’s really cool (well, I think it’s really cool): He is crediting his new acceptance of the LGBT community to a deeper and continuing understanding of his Christian faith. He no longer approves of any sort of gay conversion therapy, and he is distancing himself from the anti-gay statements he made before. In an article for Sports Illustrated, Wade Davis (a former player who later came out as being gay, and now serves as the Executive Director of You Can Play), after conversations with David Tyree, quoted him as saying:

“Christianity teaches us love, compassion and respect for our fellow man, and it is in that light that I will continue to work with Wade and others to better serve the gay community. I would absolutely support any player on the Giants who identified as gay, in any way I could. And I will continue to stay in touch with Wade to ensure I am aware of the right ways to do that.”

This may not sound like complete acceptance and affirmation of folks who are gay, but you know what it is? It is a step in the right direction. I love it so much when people realize that the love and acceptance of our gay brothers and sisters does not come DESPITE our Christianity, but instead it comes AS A NATURAL RESULT OF our Christianity. The more we understand who Jesus is, the easier it is to love people who are different than us. So yeah, well done, David Tyree. Keep up the good work!

Scott Fujita, former NFL linebacker, telling it like it is.

Scott Fujita, former NFL linebacker, telling it like it is.

Now if the NFL can just get its head out of its ass with this messed up system of consequences that makes it so that a player is better off hitting a woman than he is hitting another player…. But either way, BRING ON FANTASY FOOTBALL!!! This year is finally going to be my year.

***I originally published this with the title “Some Criticism and Some Encouragement For The NFL.” Then I realized that no one was going to read it with that title…. And since I really wanted people to read this one, I redid it with a title that people will actually click on. If you are a subscriber and I faked you out, I apologize. I’ll try not to do that again. Thanks again for reading!

Posted in 4) All Of The Above, 5) Not Quite Sure | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment