Congratulations Kim Jong Un…. You Just Made Everyone In The World Want To See A Crappy Seth Rogen Movie

I never thought I'd see a Seth Rogen movie that was more culturally important than "Pineapple Express."

I never thought I’d see a Seth Rogen movie that was more culturally important than “Pineapple Express.”

In case you didn’t know, yesterday Sony Pictures cancelled its release of the movie “The Interview” staring Seth Rogen and James Franco. The movie (as far as I can tell) is a comedy about two regular guys who somehow are granted an interview with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, and then the CIA enlists them to help them assassinate him. Sony’s decision to not release “The Interview” came after the five biggest theater chains in the country declined to show the film in their theaters…. A decision that came after North Korean hackers threatened to blow up any movie theaters that dared to show the film…. A decision that came after the theater chains realized that America is filled to the brim with people who are so perpetually fear-filled that even a completely uncredible and implausible threat from an inept country on the other side of the world would probably keep a whole lot of people out of the theaters on one of their busiest weekends of the year.

Are we really going to be afraid of someone with THAT haircut?!?

Are we really going to be afraid of someone with THAT haircut?!?

Now, some of you are probably thinking, “I can understand that. No one wants to get blown up at a theater” And I get it–I don’t want to pay $15 to sit in seats that are stained with a mixture of fake butter, semen, and Junior Mints either–Especially while wondering if there might be a bomb…. In addition to the movie, I mean. But please take a moment to consider what just happened: A chubby little dictator and notorious human rights abuser just managed to get a movie pulled because he didn’t like that it poked fun at him. And he did this in “The Home of the Brave” what is supposed to be the strongest country in the world. This sets a really messed up precedent where any anonymous threat can get a movie pulled. Here are some reactions from around Hollywood:

 

A lot of people were understandably angry.

A lot of people were understandably angry.

Some were just really disappointed....

Some were just really disappointed….

Some used the language they are most fluent in: Comedy.

Some used the language they are most fluent in: Comedy.

And more comedy....

And more comedy….

But really, it's not all that funny....

But really, it’s not all that funny….

But I think this says it best....

But I think this says it best….

“Fear eats the soul.” How true is that…. He knows what he’s talking about. Incidentally,  Steve Carell was set to star in a thriller set in North Korea, but on Wednesday New Regency cancelled plans for that movie. Even Newt Gingrich understood what a messed up thing just happened:

Newt, demonstrating the "broken clock" theory....

Newt, demonstrating the “broken clock” theory….

So really, this is about precedent. If we (the people) react in anger to the pulling of this film (which before all this hubbub I had about a zero percent chance of going to see, but now would go pay to see out of principle), the next time something like this happens, maybe things might work out differently. Some people are pointing their finger at Sony and calling them cowards, but before Sony there were the theaters, and the theaters’ decision was really just a business decision that is a reflection of our own cowardice. If they thought all this hype would actually put butts in the seats, they would have wallpapered the walls with “The Interview” advertisements….

Oh, I hate fear so much. I hate my own fears, and I hate everyone else’s fears–both rational and irrational. We are about a million times more likely to die in a car accident than die in a bombed theater because of an anonymous North Korean threat. There hasn’t been a new case of ebola in the US in months, but I’m still filling out questionnaires about travels to West Africa when I go to the doctor’s office. We are a fearful, fearful people, and human beings are at their worst when they are afraid. If you’re reading this, do me a favor: Don’t be afraid. We’re all going to die someday…. and anyway, there are worse things that can happen than dying. The goal of life is not to live as long as possible. 

Seriously, Patton Oswalt.... Seriously.

Seriously, Patton Oswalt…. Seriously.

And the stupidest part is that now I’m definitely going to see that movie. It might not end up in the theaters, but I will see it one way or another. Kim Jong Un has successfully turned what would have probably been a critical and financial failure of a movie into an important film. Congratulations, dip shit. And in honor of that achievement, here is the scene (while it’s up, at least. It will probably get taken down very soon) from “The Interview” when the fake, movie-version of Kim Jong Un gets killed by a missile…. Merry Christmas!

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10 Responses to Congratulations Kim Jong Un…. You Just Made Everyone In The World Want To See A Crappy Seth Rogen Movie

  1. veronica says:

    Love this column! You are exactly right on every point, and I will stop at nothing to watch this movie, however I can get my hands on it. I wish you could send this column directly to the North Korean SOB.

  2. Larry Kunz says:

    I’m not completely convinced that the theaters were reacting to the threat from NK or to the fact that the movie is lame and now everyone knows how it ends.

    Nonetheless, everything you said about fear – – that our society is too damn afraid and we need to stop being that way – – is dead on. Nice job.

  3. Chuck YouKnowWho says:

    In all fairness, the NorKs didn’t have the ability or skill to pull any of this off. It was the ChiComms on their behalf. The stinker of that is that even if we found the actual hackers, there’s nothing we could do about it. At this point, Sony needs to drop a torrent of the film out there and claim it was the hackers. I’d send them $10 via PayPal just because.

  4. Lorna Applefield says:

    Sony and their affiliates did more harm to the free world and free speech by pulling the film, than the hackers and North Korea did with all their threats of terrorism.

  5. I honestly think we just punked out. Sony should have released the movie. Good, bad, or indifferent. What happens when the criminal minds that have done this decide to do it again? I really appreciate your point of view.

  6. veronica says:

    I don’t think it was Sony pulling the film because they were cowards. I think they pulled it because most of the large theater chains were refusing to show it. So glad we can all watch it now, no matter how crappy and unfunny the movie is. Free speech wins!

  7. Allison says:

    If they had shown it…and there had been bombs….this would have been a very different article about how they should have pulled the movie and now there is a war. Just saying. It’s not good to live in fear, but why invite a fight when the one side is threatening irrational violence. Yes, they need to get over themselves but why provoke insanity? Would America really suffer not watching one movie? It’s not like there aren’t billions more out there to waste your brain on.

  8. Pingback: Kim Jong-Un Will Be Awarded The Same Peace Prize As Mahatma Gandhi

  9. Pingback: Kim Jong-Un Will Be Awarded The Same Peace Prize As Mahatma Gandhi -

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