Listen–I love Jesus. I have written about nonviolence on this blog multiple times, and I feel very strongly that loving your enemies is one of the non-negotiable parts of what it means to be a Christian… But at the same time, “The Force Awakens” comes out this week, and I’ve loved Star wars for longer than I’ve loved Jesus. All of the great Christmas presents of my childhood involved Star Wars in one way or another. I was just out of college when the Phantom Menace came out, and–like most people–if left me feeling… underwhelmed.
I saw “Return of the Jedi” when I was 8 years old, and I have been waiting over 30 years to find out what happens next. I’m aware that I have three kids, and it’s probably beneath me to be geeking out like this over this movie, but… Here we are. I’m also aware that there are hundreds of thousands of people who already have your tickets to see the new movie, but like a lot of people, I probably won’t be able to see it right away. There are lots of us who find ourselves in this situation. I want you to know that if you ruin any part of the plot for us–if you give away any plot twist, any spoiler, no matter how insignificant–we will find you. And we will kill you. It will be mob justice. And it will be swift.
Here are six different ways we will murder you if you spoil any part of the plot of Episode 7: The Force Awakens…
- “Death By Lego.” You will be put in a room with wooden floors–hands tied behind your back, and bare-footed–and you will be forced (get it? “Forced?”) to live out the rest of your miserable existence walking on a floor covered with Star Wars Lego pieces. Until you beg for mercy… But none will be given.
- “The Old School.” I will cut a bitch. Nothing fancy. Just me murdering you with some sort of makeshift prison shiv. Be it a filed-down toothbrush, a sharpened spoon, or just a paring knife that is usually used for cutting up apples for my kids’ lunches… Make no mistake: I will cut you.
- Getting “Trumped.” We will dress you up like a Black Lives Matter protester, and we will throw you into the modern-day KKK meeting that is a Donald Trump rally. Those people are angry, they are well-armed, and they they are not right in the head… As evidenced by their attendance at a Donald Trump rally.
- “Kissing the Wookiee.” In preparation for this occasion, some very smart people have genetically engineered the closest thing we can get to an actual Wookiee. It is basically the love child of J.J. Watt and a female Grizzly Bear… and it is every bit as disappointed in you as I am for spoiling “The Force Awakens.” This Wookiee hybrid will literally pull your arms off of your stupid body. And then it will beat the hell out of you with your own arms.
- “The Dumpster Fire.” You will sit in front of a TV that is playing the dumpster fire known as “The Phantom Menace.” On repeat. And you will sit there and morn the bastardization of a once proud franchise, until the tears that flow from your eyes finally leave you dangerously dehydrated. At which point you will be force-fed (Ha! I did it again…) stale popcorn, with nothing to wash it down. Your life will end with your spoiler-revealing mouth clogged by crappy popcorn.
- “The Light In Dark Places.” I have fashioned an actual, functioning light saber. It took a while to get the specs right, and the only optics I’ve been able to work out make things a little unpredictable. If you leave it on too long, the handle starts to get really hot… Which is frustrating. And I still can’t find a portable power source capable of sustaining the beam, so it’s got this annoying extension cord attached to it… Which makes some of the acrobatic moves a little more difficult. Still, it’s not as clumsy as a blaster, you know? Anyway–long story short–if you ruin this movie for us, we’re going to put a light saber in your butt, and then we’re going to flip the power switch on.
No matter which of these punishments you receive, your death will not be quick, like Obi Wan Kenobi being struck down by Darth Vader… And you will certainly not become more powerful that you could possible imagine. It will be slow and agonizing… Like being taken to the Dune Sea and being cast into the Pit of Carkoon, the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc. In his belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as you are slowly digested over 1000 years. But I guess you should have considered that before you gave something away about the identity of Kylo Ren. You ass.
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