Sometimes, when I write, I can get into a funk. Hey, that’s a good one!

“Getting Into A Funk”

A genius in Portland “vandalized” a bunch of stop signs…. And made the world a happier place.

You may have noticed that I haven’t written anything for about three weeks…. I’ve tried, but my heart wasn’t in it. I kept on writing about stuff like Gun Violence, Why People Think We Need Hell, and Being Afraid to Let My Kids Go For A Walk–Things that were on my heart, but NONE of which I actually felt like writing…. probably because they were making me sad. So instead I thought I’d try some long neglected Bathroom Humor in an attempt to “cleanse my palate,” so to speak…. Which, coincidentally, brings me to another euphemism (they’re everywhere):

“Cleansing Your Palate”

My wife is classier than this.

Before I continue, it should be noted that by publishing this, I am going against my wife’s better judgment (another good one!) Her exact words were: “I am not okay with this. And I won’t be sharing it.” And my blogs don’t do near as well when she doesn’t share them. So that means if this makes you laugh or smile or cringe, you should do three things: First of all, don’t hold it against my wife (!), because she is a classy, classy lady. Anyone who says that she came up with a few of these herself is a dirty liar. Secondly, if you have another euphemism that you would like to share in the comments section, please do. I’d like for this post to become the internet’s preeminent site for sex and bathroom-related euphemisms. Third, share it. The number of people reading this one is going to be way down with her boycotting the blog. Let’s get started. In no particular order….

It’s impossible to talk to this man about purchasing his mule without giggling.

“Boycotting The Blog” 

“Working Off Some Carbs”

“Seeing A Man About A Mule”

“Getting It Out Of Your System”

“Having A Movement”

“Dropping The Kids Off At The Babysitter’s”

“Laying Some Pipe”

“Having Some Alone Time”

“Letting Off Some Steam”

I push this bottom as often as possible.

“Releasing The Hounds”

“Fooling Around”

“Watching An Episode of Happy Days”

“Taking A Steve Doocy”

“Appealing To Congress”

“Hitting A Home Run”

He was asking for it.

“Punching Seth Rogan In The Face”

“Testing The Suspension”

“Doing The Nasty”

“Code Brown”

“Sitting Down On The Job”

“Getting A Briefing At The Oval Office”

“Making A Buckeye”

“Flying Coach”

“Deleting Ann Coulter’s Tweets”

She is not a horrible person–She’s “Character Deficient.”

“Getting It On”

“Plowing The Fields”

“Making A Baby”

And there you have it. This list is by no means meant to be exhaustive, so if you like to add one to the comments section, feel free. Remember that euphemisms are supposed to be milder, indirect versions of stuff that is too harsh or embarrassing…. So let’s keep it PG-13. Sometimes I just need to do stuff like this to stay sane. Also, if you’re offended by any of these I’m sorry. Let this be a lesson to you…. It’s probably going to happen again. CHEERS!