If You REALLY Loved America, You’d F*ck The Flag

I am SO SICK of people acting like they “love” America when all they do “stand respectfully” while the national anthem plays. You really think that is enough? Standing? Taking your hat off? Maybe placing your hand over your heart? Maybe making sure to sing louder than the guy next to you? Maybe doing the harmony part that you learned in high school? Maybe having a flag-pin on your lapel at all times of the day? Maybe making sure to squeeze out a few tears every time the song is played? Pfft… That is nothing. REAL PATRIOTS go the extra mile. 


“You smell real purdy…”

All of this “taking a knee” that people have been doing makes me just want to vomit with patriotism. Talk about being UNGRATEFUL! We LET them become millionaires and play a GAME for a living, and all they have to do is practice their whole lives, work hard every day, and sacrifice their bodies and their brains… And THIS is how they repay us?!? Taking a KNEE? I mean, I know they say that they’re protesting “systemic oppression against people of color, police brutality, and the criminal justice system,” and that’s all fine and good… But couldn’t they protest without making such a big deal about it? Like maybe take a knee at home? When there is no one around? I think that would be WAY more respectful to America. Which IS — by the way — easily the greatest country in the universe. And listen — I’M NOT RACIST, but if I’m going to have someone telling me America is not great, it’s sure-the-hell NOT going to be some ungrateful, black multi-millionaire… It’s going to be the ungrateful, white BILLIONAIRE who God decided should be our president.

With all these un-American NFL protestors out there trying to Make America WORSE Again, it’s important that we each do something EXTRA to let the folks around us know that we are TRUE Americans. Standing while the anthem is playing is no longer enough. It’s not enough to just sing, or take your hat off, or put your hand over your heart (even though that is really only supposed to be for the pledge of allegiance). It’s not even enough to know the words to the third stanza of the song, where slave-owner Francis Scott Key wrote about killing the slaves who who were trying to win their freedom by fighting for the British (Here’s the verse, by the way, if you want to learn the words).

“And where is that band who so vauntingly swore,
That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion
A home and a Country should leave us no more?
Their blood has wash’d out their foul footstep’s pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave,
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.”

Nope. In these dark times, we need the light of a REAL patriotism to shine through. I’m done with “the usual.” From now on, I am going ABOVE AND BEYOND… And if you really love America, you will too. Here’s the plan:

On NFL game days, I’m going to shave real close, and I’m going to take an extra long shower — to make sure that EVERY part of me is EXTRA clean — I’m going to put on a nice suit… And then I’m going to treat the flag to a beautiful evening. I’m going to take the flag out for a nice steak dinner… Maybe splurge on an expensive bottle of wine. Afterward, I’m going to take that flag home, light a couple of candles, put on some romantic music (probably some Lee Greenwood)… I’m going to fold it into one of those nice, tight, respectful triangles… And then that flag and I are going to make some sweet, patriotic, American LOVE. I am going to SALUTE that flag, if you know what I mean. NEITHER of us will be at half mast. It’s going to give new meaning to when people say, “America: Love it, or leave it.” And you know what? God willing, I’m going to get that flag pregnant. And we’re going to have some little star-spangled babies, and they are going to grow up and vote to take away civil rights from people who don’t look like them.

And maybe THEN I can finally prove to the world how much I love America…

It’s been a while since I’ve brought out the Bathroom Humor. If you’re like me, you maybe haven’t felt like there is very much to laugh about lately. I hope this post changed that in some small way. If you value my writing and this blog, and you like to help support it, you can BECOME A PATRON. Or if you just feel like leaving a tip, you can LEAVE A TIP ON PAYPAL. Otherwise, you can follow me on Facebook and on Twitter. I am genuinely honored that there are people who read the things I write. Thanks again!


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3 Responses to If You REALLY Loved America, You’d F*ck The Flag

  1. Jeff Cann says:

    Um, bold.
    Yes, I miss the old bathroom humor too. And the just plain goofy-like your kids dressing up like rock stars. I’ve stopped, for the most part, writing political opinion. I don’t think anyone can be swayed anymore by a well made contrarian point.
    I’m happy and heartened to see so many people agreeing with the right to protest. It makes me think there’s still some intelligence in America. F*ck the flag? It’s a piece of cloth.Honor the constitution.

  2. Richard says:

    West Virginia State Board of Education v. Barnette, 319 U.S. 624 (1943), is a decision by the Supreme Court of the United States holding that people cannot be forced against their will to salute the flag and recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

    Writing for the majority, Justice Robert Jackson wrote “To believe that patriotism will not flourish if patriotic ceremonies are voluntary and spontaneous instead of a compulsory routine is to make an unflattering estimate of the appeal of our institutions to free minds.” Justices Hugo Black and William O. Douglas concurred: “Words uttered under coercion are proof of loyalty to nothing but self-interest. Love of country must spring from willing hearts and free minds, inspired by a fair administration of wise laws enacted by the people’s elected representatives within the bounds of express constitutional prohibitions.”

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