In solidarity with the “My body, my choice” anti-maskers & COVID-deniers, I have decided I’m going to get a job at Smoothie King, and I’m going to blend a dollop of my own poop into the smoothies I make.

And I’m not the only one. There is a nationwide “movement,” if you will, of people committed to shitting in other people’s food. I know there are people ALL OVER AMERICA who are committed to defecating in the things that other people are going to put in their mouths. We are everywhere! From fast food to fancy restaurants. So get ready…

Listen: If you don’t want to get sick, just stay home. But me? I’m not going to “live in fear” anymore. I’m going to get out there and LIVE MY LIFE. Like Braveheart said, “Everyone dies… Not everyone truly lives in a way that enables morons to drastically increase the risk of other people dying from E.coli.”

According to the OAN and Fox”News” programming that I watch on a daily basis, a VERY low percentage of E. coli cases end up with people dying. Sure, a lot of people MIGHT get sick… But the risk of DEATH is low. 98% of people who eat other people’s crap don’t even die from it! Most will recover. A lot of people who eat my poo smoothies end up asymptomatic. Anyway, E. coli is basically like the flu.

I’m sick and tired of BIG GOVERNMENT trying to tell me what I “can” and “can’t” do with my own feces. BIG PHARMA is in cahoots with all those “scientists” and liberal elitists trying to say that there should be regulations restricting our right to get other people sick. It’s a giant conspiracy, funded by George Soros. And if you rearrange the letters of George Soros’ name, you get the words FECAL SLAVERY… Which is their ultimate goal. The only ones who don’t agree with that have been bought and paid for by BIG SPELLING and BIG RATIONAL THOUGHT.

I, for one, have had enough of “The Swamp” telling me what to do with my own body and my own poop. I’ve seen enough YouTube videos to know that NOT eating other people’s poo can be just as dangerous as eating other people’s poo. Besides, what’s next?!? Are they going to make it illegal for people to poop in their own homes?? This is a slippery slope if I’ve ever seen one… A slippery slope of poop.

Sure, call me “selfish.” It’s not my fault that all you liberals get all “triggered.” I’m not doing this just to “Own the Libs.” I’m doing this because it’s my God-given right as an American. I believe in three things: My right to shoot & kill anyone who makes me feel threatened in any way, my right to drop a deuce in other people’s food, and my right to tell a woman what to do with her body if she gets pregnant.

There are worse things than eating other people’s poo… Like the TYRANNY of being told you can’t take a dump in other people’s food. All of these so-called “mandates” are examples of government overreach… THIS IS ABOUT LIBERTY, PEOPLE! “First they came for my right to poop in other people’s food, and I said nothing…” You know what I’m saying?

It’s my right as an American! Show me where, in the Constitution, it says that people can’t #2 in someone else’s food. You can’t, can you.? I’m going to put my stool in other people’s food, as the Founding Fathers envisioned. Shitting in other people’s food is as American as baseball or apple pie with a bit of my poop in it. Stay strong, Patriots!!

I realize that 2020 has nearly killed satire, butt this blog has been missing some bathroom humor for a while. If you value this blog and you want to help support it, you can BECOME A PATRON (I initially wrote “become a Parton, which would also be rad). Leah did last week, and she requested a poem titled “Super Leah.” Here it is:

“Super Leah”

When she flies over Fort Wayne
Or Kim Jong Un, in North Korea, 
She drives the villains all insane,
Because you can’t kill an idea.
Her name’s a buzz. A hiss. A brain.
A splashy onomatopoeia…
Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
Holy shit, that’s Super Leah!

If becoming a patron is not for you, but you’d like to leave a tip (or contribute to the “Help pay for Chris’ kids’ Christmas present” fund), you can DO THAT ON PAYPAL or Venmo me at “chris-boeskool.” No matter what, you should be following me ON FACEBOOK and ON TWITTER. Stay safe. Look for places to laugh, and reasons to smile. Take care of each other.