If there is one thing life keeps teaching me, it is that there are a whole lot of different kinds of people in the world, and most of them are very different than me. I learn this lesson many places (work, Church, even family), but there are few places in which this fact is as readily apparent as on my Facebook feed. But I figure that’s fine though, right? If everyone was like me, the world would be a lot less interesting. There would also be a lot less pictures of cats with captions, a lot less posts about how drunk someone got/hungover someone is, and a lot less updates about what people just ate. Now I am CERTAIN that there are a lot of things that I post on Facebook that many people could do without–Silly things my kids say, political crap, controversial whatnot, posting my blog, stories from the toilet, etc…. I’m far from perfect with my discernment about Facebook posts. I’ve been defriended by so many people that most of the folks who come up on the “People You May Know” part of my page used to be my FB friends at some point. But you know what? This is my blog and I can do what I want. I’ve come up with a list of some of the most annoying things that people do on Facebook–things that we can all agree have got to stop. So here they are:
1) POSTING BULLSHIT
If you are posting something to Facebook, then you have access to the internet. Use it. Go ahead and do 30 seconds of research before passing something along that is completely (or even partially) false. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If the thing you are passing along seems even a little hard to believe, just do a quick Google search of it along with the word “Snopes.” For example, if you just watched a youtube video “proving” that Obama’s Birth Certificate is fake, type in “Obama’s Birth Certificate” + Snopes. Chances are you are not the first idiot to pass this along as fact. Posting a link to the Snopes article that debunks some rumor/urban myth/email forward a person just posted is one of my favorite things to do on Facebook. On the flipside of this, if you post something that you discover is bullshit, TAKE IT DOWN. And then apologize for passing along something false. I’ll tell you the same thing I tell my kids: “When you lie, you make it harder to trust you.”
2) POSTING PICTURES OF FOOD
So many of you do this. Now I get it–Sometimes food is beautiful. While I was in Vegas, my wife and I had a caprese salad that was so beautiful that it looked like a piece of art. It had these heirloom tomatos that were so colorful–It looked like a sunset. I wanted to paint my kitchen to match those colors. We took a picture of it and posted it for all to see…. But if this is something you are doing with any sort of regularity, you need to cut it out. No one cares.
And along with this (and probably more importantly), please don’t brag about how organic your food is. I don’t care that you just drank a glass of milk, and I care even less that the milk came from cows who were only fed organic grass that was watered with unicorn tears and fertilized with the manure of free range chickens. I don’t care that they only milk the cows by hand, and that they only allow farmers with the softest skin to do the milking. I also don’t care that the farmers whisper encouraging things to the cows as they milk them–Things like “You are so beautiful” and “You’re a great friend” and “These are some amazing teats.” I. Don’t. CARE! None of us do. My wife makes me buy that same milk, and it costs six times as much. Get over yourself.
3) POSTING ANYTHING THAT TRIES TO GUILT ME INTO REPOSTING
If you post anything–AND I MEAN ANYTHING–that ends with the words “98% of you won’t repost this….” or something thereabouts, you can be sure of one thing: I have you hidden from my feed. Anything that tries to guilt you into reposting is lame–From Christianity to Cancer, it is all lame. Yes–We all hate cancer. Please don’t try to make me feel like if I don’t repost your status, cancer is going to win (or conversely, that if we all repost, it will have any sort of effect whatsoever on the fight against cancer). Cancer doesn’t read your Facebook posts.
4) POSTING ABOUT PROBLEMS WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
Get off the computer, call a friend, have a talk…. Do whatever, but don’t post something critical of your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend on Facebook. Whether you are just wanting to vent or looking for validation, bitching about your significant other in any way is not what Facebook is for. It makes everyone cringe when people do this. Conversely, my wife has a theory that if you are one of those people who only ever posts about how awesome your spouse is, you are probably fighting non-stop. Either way, keep that crap to yourself.
5) POSTING ABOUT ANY SORT OF MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING
This should go without saying, but if you are using Facebook to try to recruit people to sell the same garbage you are selling, you are annoying huge swaths of your friends. We can see the dollar signs in your eyes and smell the insincerity in the post. Even if you really believe in the product (which you all do), Facebook is not the place. Peddle your wares the old-fashioned way: Lure us over to your house for a “party.”
6) POSTING ABOUT HOW MUCH EXERCISE YOU’RE GETTING
Here you go: This is from all of us to all of you, for all of the times you’ve exercised in the past and for all of the times you will in the future…. “Good work. Well done. Good job going to the gym and lifting those weights and going for a run. You should be very proud.” Now please stop telling us about it. I realize that there are apps that automatically post how far you ran (That’s fine–Whatever), but if you are constantly posting about working out, you are every bit as annoying as the person at work who walks around groaning and rubbing their legs for the first half of the day in the hopes that you ask them why they are groaning and rubbing their legs. Then, when you don’t ask, they tell you that their legs are SO SORE over and over again until you ask them why–knowing full well that they are going to tell you about how hard they worked out…. Since you asked. Don’t be that person. And if you do happen to post a picture of yourself at the gym, please don’t flex or try to be sexy in any way. It’s annoying.
Which brings me to my biggest Facebook annoyance….
7) POSTING PICTURES OF YOURSELF…. THAT YOU TOOK
Both guys and girls do this, but girls do it WAY more. And it is OH so annoying. Listen, if you catch sight of your reflection, see that you are looking good, and your first thought is “I should take a picture of myself and post it to Facebook so that everyone can tell me how hot I look,” you have got a lot of stuff to work out (and no, I’m not talking about going to the gym). Taking pictures of yourself with a kissy-face, from just the right angle, with just the right amount of cleavage showing…. It’s been done literally a billion times. It reeks of “tell me that I’m pretty,” and that is almost always a smell that makes you seem less beautiful. I understand wanting to have pictures of yourself where you look your best, but if you go through the photos of you and notice that a whole lot of them were taken by you, you might want to check your vanity.
If you read this and realize that you do one or more of the things on this list, here’s what you should do: Stop it. Stop it right now. You’re being annoying. I’m not the only one who thinks so. Please stop. Thank you for making Facebook more fun for everyone.
Anything I have missed any stuff that annoys you?