Forget Guns For Teachers — Surround Our Schools With Land Mines

The president and the GOP administration have suggested arming teachers with guns… But I don’t think this plan goes far enough. Here’s my plan:

It’s clear that we have a problem in this country, but as so many before me have pointed out: We don’t have a GUN problem — We have a HEART problem. Shootings like the one in Florida are what happen when you take God out of schools. This is why the Florida Legislature took drastic action this week… Not to allow even CONSIDERING restrictions on assault rifles (they voted that down, because that would just be silly), but to declare porn “dangerous” and to approve a bill to post “In God We Trust” in all public schools.

But whittling away the line between Church and State is obviously not enough. More MUST be done. So the NRA President of the United States of America (along with many other republicans) is suggesting doing the only logical thing… The only thing that will WORK to put an end to all these massacres in our schools:  They are calling for arming teachers with guns.

Now, many people are skeptical of this plan. But what other option IS there? It’s not like we should be reconsidering the value to our society of having weapons of war, designed to efficiently kill as many people as possible in as short a time as possible, readily available to anyone who has managed to keep a felony off their record! That’s our GOD-GIVEN RIGHT. Like Jesus always said: “Kill them before they can kill you.” So we need to start putting killing tools into the chalky hands of America’s teachers. And don’t get me wrong –We’re not going to just hand them a gun… We’re going to TRAIN them too.

When teachers are packing heat, that will make those murderous maniacs think twice before coming into schools (as if seeing “In God We Trust” above the doorway didn’t already make him think twice… I’m saying “him” because only males seems to be the ones doing this). And sure, there was an armed officer assigned to the Florida school where 17 people just died… But it turns out he was scared to enter the school, because the shooter was armed with an AR-15 style assault rifle, and all the deputy had was a measly pistol. And listen — Just because the president dodged the draft five times over nonexistent bone spurs, it doesn’t mean he can’t call that officer a coward

This is why I believe we are thinking too small here. There is NO WAY for some 26 year old with a pink handgun holstered beneath her smock to compete with some guy armed with an AR-15 with multiple high capacity clips. But again, we have to do SOMETHING. We can’t have some “knee-jerk” reaction to a mass shooting like Australia and enact strict gun laws in the country. That’ll never work… All THAT did was put an end to mass shootings in Australia for the past 22 years or so. We need to figure out a way to protect our kids RIGHT NOW. And as anyone who has ever had one of their kids hit another kid with a stick can tell you, you DON’T take the stick away from your kid… You obviously hand out sticks to all the other kids so they can protect themselves.

And the bigger the stick, the better. This is why I’m thinking we consider a MILITARY solution to this problem. If officers assigned to schools feel outgunned, let’s give them grenade launchers. And possibly flamethrowers. An SRO with a flamethrower is an intimidating sight for a school shooter to see. Of course, these bigger weapons would be reserved for trained law enforcement officers only… We obviously can’t just be handing out grenade launchers and flamethrowers to teachers in every classroom. That would just be silly. They SHOULD probably have an AR-15 above the chalkboard, though (obviously out of reach of little hands).


“Do you have a question, Jesse? That gun? That’s an AR-15. It’s designed to kill a lot of people in a short amount of time. I have it there in case I might need to send hot lead tumbling through someone’s internal organs. It’s deadly and efficient. And THAT is vocabulary word for today: ‘Efficient.’ Everyone repeat after me… EFFICIENT.”

But what if we take it a step further? What if we empower schools to set up IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices) in their hallways? This way, if the school is on lockdown, and some murderer is walking the hallways, the school secretary see him on the security cameras, and she can detonate an IED as he walks past. “Sorry, Bad Guy With A Gun… Good luck shooting up our school with NO LEGS!” And as everybody knows, The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun… or a remotely detonated Hallway IED.”

You know what? I think we’re STILL thinking too small here. What if the school shooter uses his very accurate assault rifle to shoot out the cameras? THEN what? Here’s what I’m thinking: Surround the school with land mines. I mean, don’t put them EVERYWHERE (that would just be silly)… Just put them in enough places to make it probable that a man with an assault rifle might step on one as he walks into the school. You might be thinking, “What if a kid steps on the land mine?” Well, this is just part of the price we have to pay for living in a free country. Anyway, obviously we would let the kids know where the land mines are. If could be part of their practice fire drills… “Here’s where our class goes in case of a fire. Here’s where the underground explosive is buried that helps protect us from people hellbent on killing you and your classmates. We never EVER step there.” And so on…

Speaking of fire drills, the more I think about it, maybe this same strategy would be effective in case of a fire. If there is a fire in the school, maybe we set the other parts of the school on fire as well. I mean, we’ve already go a flamethrower there… Set fire to the other classrooms as well!! Good luck burning up our school, you stupid fire… We beat you to it. We burnt it down before you even got the chance!” “Fight fire with fire,” amiright?


  1. the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Anyway, I’ve also got some interesting ideas about Kevlar SSA (Standard School Attire). It’s a little pricy, a little bulky, and a little hot on the playground… but Lord knows there’s nothing we can do to get make it harder to keep guns out of the hands of anyone who has $500, so there has to be some sacrifices made to keep kids safe. And guess what — even with all these protections, there are still going to be kids who get killed. But that’s the price of freedom, y’all. When you’re making a Freedom Omelette, you’re going to crack a few eggs. These precious kids are those eggs. God bless America…

If you like some of these ideas, I’ve got some other ones you may enjoy: Namely, “Getting Rid Of Windows” in schools, “Why I’ve Decided To Buy A Tiger” for home defense, “Please Stop Acting Like You Care About All These Shootings,” and “Guns For Christians Are Like Condoms For Nuns.” Also, I cannot express how thankful I am for the Patrons of this blog. Your support is one of the ways I take care of my family. Sometimes people who WERE Patrons can’t afford to anymore, and I totally get that. If you value this blog, if you’re able to throw a couple dollars a month this way, and if you’d like to become a Patron, you can do that RIGHT HERE. If you’d like to leave a tip, HERE IS WHERE YOU CAN DO THAT. And if you want to follow me on FACEBOOK or on TWITTER, please do. Love you all!


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2 Responses to Forget Guns For Teachers — Surround Our Schools With Land Mines

  1. Perfect, thank you for taking it to the extreme to show how ridiculous it is.

  2. Michele Cox says:

    Brilliant !

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