The Boeskool

Let Your Poo Smell Like Poo.

Posted on September 29, 2011 by theboeskool

I used to like the smell of matches. Now, I can’t smell a match without also smelling the phantom smell of someone’s crap–so that’s ruined. I mean, when you spray lilac scent into a bathroom that you just defiled, you don’t make it smell like flowers. You make it smell like poo and flowers. Which is way, way worse. Now someday I’m going to be walking next to a lilac bush and, instead of enjoying the fresh smell, I’m going to be reminded of that half-bath that was 3 degrees hotter than the rest of the house. And the unsettlingly humidity.

Maybe we should start spraying poo scent in the kitchen...

And sometimes people spray stuff that smells like food. I guess this is the train of thought there: “Okay…. I just pooped, and it smells really bad. This is kind of embarrassing. What am I going to do? Oh, thank goodness–there is some orange/citrus spray that I can spray so one of two things will happen: 1) The next person to walk in here will not be able to smell my poo and be fooled by this fresh citrus scent that they will surely assume is always present in and around the commode, or 2) This new Citrus/PooAir hybrid that I have created will be etched into the olfactory center in their brain, coming back to haunt them someday when someone makes the mistake of peeling an orange in a car.” Can we all just agree to end the practice of mingling (formerly pleasing) scents with the smell of crap?

Which brings me to today, and the most insidious of scents: Pumpkin Spice. I was at a school and told my co-workers I was going to use the bathroom. I was informed that some pumpkin spice deodorizer was found under the sink (it was a small bathroom). Even a good ten feet outside of the door my eyes burned from the thickness of the pumpkin spice. When I walked in, I noticed that the floor was slippery, but I assumed someone must have just missed when they peed or something. No big deal. The part where I knew something was wrong was when I tried to wipe and almost slid off the toilet seat (I’m not joking in the least). I tried to steady myself with my feet, but I was like a fawn on ice. There was some sort of oily layer covering everything in the bathroom–like a good millimeter of pumpkin spice scent. My first thought was “Something really bad must have gone down here (Or maybe not gone down–on the first try, at least).”

So now this is ruined for me too.

I found the spray bottle, and it was a super-concentrate. “If contents come in contact with skin, immediately wash with soap and water,” it warned. Now I’m standing in a gas chamber of pumpkin spice scent, barely able to keep my footing, imagining that my ass is starting to burn while I vigorously scrub my cheeks. And all of the sudden, I realize that I cannot smell even a hint of poo in the air. I could, however, smell pumpkin spice every time I coughed for the next four hours….

Posted in 3) Bathroom Humor | Tagged Air Freshener, Matches, Poop, Pumpkin Spice | 4 Comments

I am a piece of crap.

Posted on September 28, 2011 by theboeskool

This guy is so much better than Leno.

Of this I am sure. As I lie here on the couch streaming Conan The Barbarian on Netflix while drinking leftover Cherry Coke from an earlier trip to Chik-Fil-A, few things have been clearer to me. I dream of greatness, but I have been cursed with a debilitating sense of contentment to go along with an immobilizing procrastination that stifles the few moments of genuine motivation and and inspiration that I have.

I remember hearing the word “potential” as early as 1st grade in reference to me. “He has great potential, but he doesn’t try hard enough,” they would say. It has followed me my whole life–in my grades (I managed a whole lot of really nice B+’s and bragged about how I got them without doing any homework, as if that were something to brag about), in sports (the only reason I was any good at sports was because it was fun and I had some natural ability), and even (I believed) in my relationship with God–Long on talent and potential, short on ambition and follow-through. Nice to meet you. My name is Chris and I rarely finish what I

I’ve got a few good qualities too. I’m a pretty good guy most of the time. I’m less selfish than I used to be, and I’m way more correctable. I genuinely love to have my mind changed, though it doesn’t happen very often (certainly not as often as it should). I care very deeply about things, and I sometimes have the ability to transpose that passion to other people. I need to create, or I start to freak out and act more and more like a jack ass (I am rarely as driven as when I’m being creative). I can write. I can create music. I can tell a story. I can make people laugh. I suppose my hope is that this blog will give me a way to create, while I practice following through.

So what’s the reason for this blog entry? I started writing another post that was critical of some stuff a lot of churches are doing, and I was reminded (for some reason) of my own inconsistencies and hypocrisies, and how I fall short all the time–even when I mean well, and how talking/writing about things that need to be changed is not necessarily the same thing as working to change those things. And how we all need grace.

That being said, there’s some shit that needs to change, and I’m fittin’ to write about it.

We all need Grace.

So as I sit here and watch the former governor of California chop off James Earl Jones’ head, I’m inspired to take small steps to change the world. However, it looks like you can stream Conan the Destroyer too, and that’s the one with Wilt Chamberlain and Grace Jones….

Posted in 4) All Of The Above | Tagged Conan, Grace Jones, Potential, Self-Reflection | 4 Comments

I’m a blogger.

Posted on September 22, 2011 by theboeskool

This whole "blogging" thing is hard.

I’m now a blogger. Above is a picture of me blogging. A few different people have told me that I should start a blog (probably so they don’t have to deal with my stuff on their facebook feeds), so here I am…. You’re welcome.

Blog.

I haven’t decided yet as to what this is going to look like. If it’s anything like my life, the topics will probably end up being split between talking about family, God, politics, bodily functions, and funny stories. About bodily functions. I will almost certainly also delve into such hotbeds of controversy as: Things that frustrate me, things that fascinate me, things that make me really happy, and people who are stupid.

Also, if it’s not funny, I’m going to shut it down. So get your RSS ready, people, because we’re about to see what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real–copyright Chris Boeskool.

Also, I’m a horrible procrastinator, and things I enjoy become things I detest when I feel like I have to do them, so this could very well be my last entry.