Christians Should Be Rooting For As Many Abortions As Possible

Ah yes… ABORTION. That age-old issue that, for the past 40 years or so, has been able to galvanize “the Christian vote” behind politicians whose platforms–other than that one single issue–are about as wholly unChristian as platforms can get. It’s that one issue that allows evangelicals to somehow rationalize voting for people who demonize the poor, fan the flames of war, rationalize torture, close our borders to aliens and immigrants, and celebrate putting one’s own interests before the interests of the group as if it were some sort of virtue. And it doesn’t just “allow” them to vote for those anti-Jesus issues… Almost magically, abortion COMPELS evangelical voters to feel genuine guilt–as if they are sinning directly against The Almighty–if they DON’T vote for a candidate who is anti-poor, pro-war, pro-torture, anti-immigrant, and pro-“Me over We.” Abortion alone justifies the startling incongruity we see between what Christians profess to believe, and how Christians vote. And nowhere–and at no point in time–has this incongruity and hypocrisy been as evident and exaggerated as it is in this year’s presidential election.

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Genius from Nick Anderson.

Seriously though… The devil himself could call himself “Pro Life,” and most people calling themselves Christians would slap a “Beelzebub 2016” sticker on their cars.

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“There has to be some form of punishment.” ~ Donald Trump, speaking about women who get abortions

Here is the power of abortion to the Single-Issue Evangelical Voter: Just four short years after compromising their principles (the belief that Christians could only vote for other Christians) by voting for a Mormon, evangelical voters are already ignoring the right and moral pleas of that same Mormon, and deciding to vote for a man who is–by any estimation–about as far from Christ-like as any citizen this country could offer up. An imaginative and talented fiction writer would find it difficult to come up with a character more perfectly opposite to the person of Jesus than the actual person of Donald Trump… And yet Christians everywhere are planning on voting for him. People in the Christian Right have done such a complete 180 that they are now saying things like, “We’re not electing a Pastor-In-Chief… We’re electing a Commander-In-Chief.” With a straight face. This is the power of abortion.

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So very, very tragic… But at least Jacob is in Heaven, right?

So listen, Christian voters… I have a proposal for you. A “Modest Abortion Proposal,” if you will… Maybe you’ve been thinking about this the wrong way. Follow me here:

In your estimation, being a Christian is about “saving souls,” right? Our job–here on planet Earth–is to get as many souls into Heaven as possible, while also saving them from the endless torment of Hell. So let’s say it turns out that a fetus at six weeks IS, in fact, considered by God to be a fully-formed human being with an eternal soul… Let me ask you a question: What do you think happens to the souls of babies who get aborted? They couldn’t POSSIBLY get sent to burn in hell for all eternity, right? They’re innocent! Not even the god you’ve been sold (who sends the vast majority of the humans who have ever lived to be tortured forever) would be so awful as to send an aborted baby soul to hell. So really, worst-case scenario is that the aborted babies get to go to heaven and live in eternity with Jesus. That’s a pretty sweet deal! Streets of gold, and all that…

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Poor little disappointed babies, living forever in the eternal bliss of paradise…

But imagine if that baby was carried to term… What are the chances that baby grows up to be a person who makes it to Heaven? Like 1 in 100? That means that about 99 out of every 100 babies that are born are going to spend all of eternity getting tortured. Those are TERRIBLE odds! Think of all the different pitfalls for babies who are carried to term–They could go to the wrong church, they could believe the wrong things, they could go to a secular college, they could end up choosing to be gay, they could convert to Islam, they could vote democrat, they could get pregnant and end up getting an abortion… There are literally millions of things that could end up getting them sent to hell.

I mean, sure, we’ve also got to be concerned about the souls of the women getting the abortions… But think of it purely in terms of numbers. You have a 100% chance of the baby’s soul going to heaven, but if a woman decides to have an abortion, there is always the chance that she will repent of that action later, and then she gets to go to heaven too! So for two people–mother who carried to term and child–there is only about a 1% chance of each of them getting into heaven. But for two people–mother who aborted and the aborted baby–the chances of avoiding hell skyrocket to about 50% (100% for the baby, and 1% for the mother… Or higher! with the possibility of a death bed conversion). I like those odds! You’re still batting .500, and that kind of average would put just about anyone into the Soul-Saving Hall of Fame. Anyway, worst-case scenario is that justice is served and the abortionists are sent to hell. “Vengeance is mine, declares the Lord,” right? They’ll pay for their actions by being eternally tortured for 100 billion years with 100 trillion years after that… Right next to all those grown babies whose mothers selfishly decided to carry them to term and send 99% of them to burn in Hell.

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Get used to that fire, kid… Chances are really good you’re going to be seeing a whole lot more of it where you’re going…

So as you can clearly see, working toward forcing all women to carry their pregnancies to term–even in the cases of rape, incest, or when the life of the mother is in danger–is literally working toward filling the hot halls of hell with 49% more souls than would be there if you went ahead and let women have their abortion. It’s math, people… If you believe that a fetus–at any point after conception–is a fully-formed human with a soul, and you also believe that the chief concern for Christians is saving souls from going to hell, then you should be rooting for as many abortions as possible.

See? And just like that, I’ve released you from feeling compelled to vote for a racist, bigoted, xenophobic, openly misogynistic, narcissist megalomaniac who seems to actually be proud of the fact that he represents everything that is wrong with humanity, but still has managed to swindle the votes of the simple-minded and misled… Simply by slapping a “Pro-Life” button on his very expensive suit.

You’re welcome.

If you’re new to my blog, it should be pointed out that I am Christian…  Though, because I am not one of those Christians who believes that “Christian” = “Conservative Republican who automatically votes Pro-Life,”  I’m certain there are many people who might disagree with me using the term “Christian” to describe myself. And that’s okay… It doesn’t bother me one bit. I don’t believe that being a follower of Jesus has anything to do with “saving people from Hell,” unless you consider it “Hell” to walk around believing that God is a monster. A God who sends the vast majority of humanity to get tortured forever could never be called “Good” or “Loving” or even “Just.”And I have come to believe God is so much better than that. I don’t think Jesus is the only picture we have of God, but I think he is the best. I hope that God looks like Jesus… And that’s enough for me right now.

I just wanted to mention this in the hopes that this criticism wouldn’t so easily be dismissed as some “stupid atheist” who doesn’t get it. Anyway, if you love this blog and would like to support it, you can BECOME A PATRON and give a couple bucks a month (OR MORE, if you happen to be a billionaire real estate mogul presidential candidate). OR, you could leave a tip on PAYPAL. Or else, if you’re poor like me, you can just share the shit out of it on Facebook or Twitter. Either way, I love you guys! Also, do yourself a favor and READ THIS before posting all kinds of hate in the comments section.

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13 Responses to Christians Should Be Rooting For As Many Abortions As Possible

  1. Cian says:

    You are SO my favourite!!

  2. Cian Parker says:

    ‘Filling the firey halls…’

    Is it ok that I legit LOL’d?
    This is such a great entry!
    Thank you for this post!

  3. mihipte says:

    Hehe. Now I really want some of Jacob’s popcorn.

    I’m not sure abortion is the single issue you describe. I think Republicans are finding multiple reasons to support Drumpf, but most seem to only exist because of the right-wing echo chamber. I suspect he’d have less than half of his current base with a D next to his name (not counting supporters gained).

    • mjennings says:

      I recently read a piece — I want to say it was in The Atlantic, but I can’t remember — where the journalist spent a day with one of Drumpf’s most fervent supporters, a woman who’d lost her job due to the recession and immediately latched on to the Obama-hate scapegoating, no thanks to the right-wing echo chamber as you’ve described.

    • LOTS AND LOTS of Christians are single-issue voters re: abortion – it’s been that way since the 80s or so

  4. Excellent and important blog post. I wish people could see how they are letting one “issue” totally irrationally driving their voting power. And it’s as if they think that if abortion is illegal it won’t happen. And we all know the GOP doesn’t care for babies once they are born. 😦

  5. Pingback: Top 10 Excuses For Donald Trump’s “Locker Room Talk” | The Boeskool

  6. SRL says:

    I Love This Blog. Thank you.

  7. Dear Chris,

    I love you, and you know I am not a single-issue voter, and you know I agree about caring for the children. But your tone here reaches a new level of poor form. If you are looking to actually change the minds of Christians, this is exactly not how you do it. (What moderate Christian would actually read this? I have tried several times and cannot get through half of it.) If you are looking to increase your inflammatory reputation, and encourage people to mock and hate Christians, then of course this is exactly how you do it. It seems to me your motivation these days hinges entirely on the latter. This makes me sad, because I know the true part of your heart that is passionate about changing minds for the better. As a reader and a friend, I ask, please find that part of you again? Please figure out how to speak to the moderates (because obviously you have no hope with the far right 🙂 ) again? You are an amazing man.

    love, rach

    >

  8. Hello,

    There is much I could say, but I’d just like to address what you say being a Christian is all about. Three small points for clarity’s sake: 1) Christians don’t save anybody (the grace for salvation comes from God). 2) We cannot perform or endorse evil so that good may result. 3) The very *first* task of a Christian is to love God with all our hearts, souls, minds, strength.

  9. jowens72 says:

    I for one support adoption as an alternative. Unfortunately, the abortion providers never offer this. To understand it you have to go back to the beginning of Planned Parenthood which was stated by Margaret Sanger, a believer in eugenics, who wanted to rid the world of the undesirables. By the way, my wife was adopted!

  10. Pingback: Christians Should Be Rooting For As Many Abortions As Possible | AJP's Favs

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