5 Analogies To Explain Trump’s Iran Mess

Yesterday the moron who is currently the president of the United States of America stood in front of a microphone, and he slurred and sniffed his way through a rambling mess of a speech about Iran…

For those of you who haven’t been following along closely at home, here is a brief timeline of how Trump got us into this mess:

  • Under President Obama’s leadership, The United States, along with China, France, Russia, Great Britain, and other counties from the European Union, signed the JCPOA (Joint Comprehensive Plan Of Action) with Iran… Commonly known as the Iran Nuclear Deal. The deal gives Iran economic reasons (including releasing previously frozen Iranian assets) to keep them from building their nuclear program, while allowing the other countries access to check their nuclear facilities.
  • Consistent with his pattern of attempting to reverse every single thing Obama while in office… and despite the fact that his own Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis says that the Iran Nuclear Deal is working… and to the dismay of all of our allies, Trump decides to pull out of the deal.
  • In the midst of his own impeachment, Trump decides to order the assassination of Iran’s 3rd in command, Major General Qassem Soleimani… a man who, by most of the world’s estimation, was a very bad man. The Trump administration says his killing was called for to prevent an attack, but they have provided no proof of this alleged imminent attack, and when pressed on it, they backed off that claim.
  • Trump threatens that if there is any retaliation for Soleimani’s assassination, the U.S. will destroy 52 Iranian sites (one for each of the 52 hostages from the Iran Hostage Crisis more than 40 years ago)… Those site including Iranian cultural sites, which would be a violation of international war crimes law. Trump has since deleted those tweets.
  • The Iraqi Parliament votes to tell U.S. troops to leave the country. NPR reports that the Iraqi Prime Minister says Trump asked him to call Soleimani for a mediation, and then he was killed by a drone strike while carrying a response to a Saudi initiative to defuse tensions in the area. Basically, the U.S. asked the Shiite Iraqis to call Soleimani to work on defusing tensions, and then they killed him.
  • As a response to the U.S. assassination of Soleimani, Iran fires 15 ballistic missiles at two U.S. military bases in Iraq. Zero U.S. soldiers are killed in the attack.
  • Less than 24 hours after the missile attack, Trump slurs his way through a garbled attempt to explain that Iran is “standing down,” despite not presenting any evidence of that claim. He pats himself on the back, and calls for a new negotiation with Iran’s nuclear program. Meanwhile, Iran has vowed to pull out of the Nuclear Deal altogether and resume their nuclear program.

  • And now here we are. Iraq wants us gone. And guess who our absence in that part of the world would benefit? If you guessed RUSSIA, you win a free Putin Puppet! And, hey — WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! Barely anyone is talking about his impeachment anymore…

Try to imagine another country pulling out of a treaty with us, assassinating one of our Joint Chiefs, and then not only claiming that action “deescalated tensions” with us, but then having the gall to talk about us coming to the table for a new deal. Only a narcissist of a truly staggering degree could order an illegal assassination, threaten war crimes if they retaliate, do nothing while watching them fire 15 ballistic missiles at U.S. bases & inspire an Iraqi vote to kick us out of their country, and then somehow claim it as a win.

But this is what he does — He starts fires, and then he thinks he deserves credit for trying to put them out… Meanwhile, the whole rest of the world is looking at us saying, “Y’all realize you’ve got an arsonist leading your country, right?” The president cannot be both the arsonist AND a firefighter.

We saw this same pattern when he forced the longest government shutdown in U.S. history, and THEN acted like he needs to be congratulated for ending the shutdown that HE CAUSED. He is a rooster taking credit for the sunrise. He causes a crisis for farmers with his stupid tariffs, and then tries to act like a hero for giving farmers financial assistance (AKA “socialism”). This is along the same lines as someone poking you in the eyeball over and over, and then expecting a “thank you” when he decides to stop. No. You don’t get a thank you. My eye hurts because of you. You moron.

Trump is a toddler who shits his pants, and then — after being tossed in the bath tub — thinks he deserves a prize for having a clean bum. But someone else is out there washing his dirty drawers… And a lot of those stains aren’t coming out.

It would be like getting your frank & beans caught in your zipper, and then somehow taking credit for not bleeding that much on the floor of your prom date’s bathroom…

pene

“Well how the hell’d you get the beans above the frank?!?”

Or, if those analogies are a little too outside of the box, it would be like if a man used campaign funds to pay a porn star $130,000 to have unprotected sex with him very shortly after his third wife gave birth, and then he somehow tried to congratulate himself for how mild his case of gonorrhea has been…

He doesn’t get to be both the arsonist AND the firefighter. And the really troubling thing is this: He starts most of his fires to take attention away from the OTHER fires he has started. And before too long, everything’s on fire, and we’re wondering, “How the hell did we get here?”

Seriously though… How the hell did we get here?

 

HEY! Thank you so much for reading. If you value this blog and my writing, it would be super cool if you became a Patron. If everyone who regularly read this gave a dollar or two a month, it would help me take care of my family. You can BECOME A PATRON HERE. If you’d rather just leave a tip for a job well done, you can do that ON PAYPAL. You can also follow me on Twitter and on Facebook. But, for real though… How the hell did we get here? Speaking of which, make sure you are registered to VOTE!

 

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2 Responses to 5 Analogies To Explain Trump’s Iran Mess

  1. Pingback: Trump Lied About There Being “No Casualties.” Then He Dismissed Traumatic Brain Injuries As “Headaches” | The Boeskool

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