How Not To Do A Wedding Reception

Imagine this, only with a guy wearing funny pants making a salad in the background....

Imagine this, only with a guy wearing funny pants making a salad in the background….

Try to guess at which point my head actually exploded while I was working last night:

  1. Wedding party walks into a restaurant to have their reception…. Without a reservation. On a Thursday.
  2. The mood is less than festive. Bride and Groom order special occasion drinks—2 Bud Lights in bottles.
  3. Best Man changes his mind on drink—switches from Dr. Pepper to water because “I’m on a budget.”
  4. I notice their vests are camouflage. Didn’t notice earlier—I assume it was because they were hard to see.
  5. I anger the Maid of Honor by letting her know she can’t have a kid’s meal. Because kid’s meals are for kids. She gives me the stink eye for the remainder of the evening.
  6. I comfort a guest who is very disappointed because everything has black pepper in it and he is allergic. Overheard at table: “Y’all got any Benadryl?”
  7. The Bride wakes up the Maid of Honor to let her know that her adult-sized meal has arrived.
  8. Dinner is finished and I bring out To Go boxes. Maid of Honor doesn’t want to take home her extra food. She lets me know this fact in a very “I’ll show HIM” sort-of way. I showed her by not caring one way or the other….
  9. I bring out the cake and fight off the urge to start singing Happy Birthday. They have the traditional “Feeding each other cake” pictures taken at the table. The Groom prepares too big of a bite, and the Bride says, “There’s no way I’m fitting something that big into my mouth.” I giggle to myself.
  10. They get up to take the traditional “Taking off the garter” pictures. They take the pictures right in front of where the salads come out. With an iPhone. The Groom snaps the garter into the face of one of the guests. The guest wears the garter as a necklace. I shudder.
  11. The parents ask for separate checks.
  12. A female guest comments on how small the Maid of Honor is for being five months pregnant and notes “I wasn’t that small at five months!” Her husband points out that she “didn’t start out that small.” I nearly spit out the chocolate chips that were in my mouth.
  13. I am NOT offered a piece of cake. As punishment for their selfishness, I consider taking out the large pepper grinder and rendering the cake inedible to the man with the garter around his neck. But for the pilfered chocolate chips, my sweet tooth remains unquenched.
  14. I congratulate them, wish them all the best, and spend the rest of the night enduring quizzical looks from people wondering why it is I am periodically laughing to myself….
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7 Responses to How Not To Do A Wedding Reception

  1. frugoal says:

    My guess is number 11! BTW, hilarious post!

  2. Thank you, little brother, for having the patience of Job, and for reminding me why I stopped waiting tables. Holy crap.

  3. Michele Dykstra says:

    Where, O where do you work?

  4. molly smith says:

    Wow! That was a trip…right here in my chair!!!
    You’re a good man – and they were …. …..!!

  5. maureen guroff says:

    Great post – LMAO! By the way, you are on your way to sainthood.

  6. Chris Shaffer says:

    Brilliant!

  7. Susan says:

    That was entertaining, and sounds like you made the best of it. I’m torn between#9 and #12 being your favorite. Or mine…☺

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