The Unforgivable Sin Of Bumper Stickers

A few years ago, a study on road rage showed a positive correlation between the number of bumper stickers that were on a car and the likelihood of the driver to lose it and freak out on somebody. It didn’t matter what the bumper sticker said– Someone with stickers that say “COEXIST” or “JESUS SAVES” was just as likely to rage out as someone with stickers that say “OBAMA BIN LYIN” or “MORE TREES, LESS BUSH.” The study showed that the sort of person who felt compelled to put a sticker on their car was also the sort of person who was more likely to take a tire iron to someone else’s windshield.

This monstrosity pulled up next to me at a light. He must be a really good Christian to have such a nice vehicle!

This monstrosity pulled up next to me at a light. He must be a really good Christian to have such a nice vehicle!

Personally, I love reading people’s bumper stickers. When I moved to the south, I noticed that there seemed to be a whole lot more stickers on cars that were designed to let the other drivers on the road know “This car belongs to a Christian”–A whole bunch of “Jesus Fish” and “Got Jesus?” and warnings about the Rapture…. and they always seemed to be right next to another sticker proclaiming some sense of Nationalism…. and that one was right next to another sticker letting the world know that they were also a republican. I used to let myself get angry at this deranged rear end cocktail of stickers. It read like some sort of messed up equation:
US Flag + W sticker  = Jesus fish R²
  NRA Membership
It might seem like a lot of stickers, but there is a lot of room on the backs of those SUVs….

But I learned very fast: If you’re going to live in Tennessee, you can’t let yourself get pissed off at every stupid bumper sticker you see. You’d spend way too much of your day being annoyed and angry. Now, if I see someone with an offensive or ignorant or just plain mean bumper sticker, instead of visualizing them in a fiery crash, I try to find a way to feel sorry for them….I can forgive quite a bit this way.

I can forgive the ones that are just plain dumb….

Unknown

Oh…. You poor thing.

You probably think you're helping instead of hurting….

You probably think you’re helping instead of hurting….

I hope you don't close your eyes when you pray.

I hope you don’t close your eyes when you pray.

I wasn't before, but because of your heart-felt bumper sticker, I will now!

I wasn’t before, but because of your heart-felt bumper sticker, I will now!

Bless your sweet, ignorant heart….

Bless your sweet, ignorant heart….

I can forgive the ones that equate Christianity with violence….

images-8

Nothing goes together like a cross and a gun….

images-9

You probably just don’t know any better….

images-13

No, sweetie…. Just…. No.

I can forgive the confusing ones….

You probably wanted that to say "Another Christian Against Bush," but you should know it reads like "Another Against Christian Bush." That's…. not the same.

You probably wanted that to say “Another Christian Against Bush,” but you should know it reads like “Another Against Christian Bush.” That’s…. not the same.

I don't blame you any more than I blame a curb that I scrape my wheel on….

I don’t blame you any more than I blame a curb that I scrape my wheel on….

No, Honey…. It just makes you look silly and mean.

No, Honey…. It just makes you look silly and mean.


I can forgive the gross mixing of Jesus and Nationalism….

An Ichthus filled with the stars and stripes. How…. Quaint.

An Ichthus filled with the stars and stripes. How…. Quaint.

Hey, that's nice…. Oh wait, Psalm 109:8 says, "May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership." I guess that's not very nice at all.

Hey, that’s nice! Oh wait, Psalm 109:8 says, “May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership?” I guess that’s not very nice at all.

I can forgive the blatantly Islamophobic ones….

Aww. Bless your heart. You need to learn a little more.

Aww. Bless your heart. You need to learn a little more.

It will also never be overrun with man-eating Tigers, as long as I'm alive!!!

It will also never be overrun with man-eating Tigers, as long as I’m alive!!!

Wait… what? I just…. I'm sorry. I don't even know where to…. What??

Wait… what? I just…. I’m sorry. I don’t even know where to…. What??

On my best day, I might even be able to forgive this….

Maybe you were raised by a…. No. Maybe you hit your head on a…. No. I'm totally lying. I can't forgive this.

Maybe you were raised by a…. No. Maybe you hit your head on a…. No. I’m totally lying. I can’t forgive this.

You’d think that with all this practice forgiving people for their ignorant bumper stickers, I could handle just about anything. You’d be wrong. There is one thing that a person can put on their car that–no matter who the car belongs to–I immediately lose all respect for that person. Even if the other stickers on your car have some redeeming value…. You might even have some other cool bumper stickers like these on your car:

images-12Unknown-6images-4Unknown-7

In real life, you could be the most upstanding citizen in the town, with a soup kitchen in your living room and a homeless shelter in you basement…. But here’s the deal-breaker: If you have a picture of Calvin, from Calvin & Hobbes, peeing on something, we can never, ever be friends. I don’t like you. I am against everything you stand for, from this day on. It is, in my bumper sticker world, an unforgivable sin. I don’t care what he’s peeing on….

This….
images-15

Or this….

images-16Or even this…

Unknown-8Not even this….
Unknown-9

If you are one of these people, do not talk to me or make eye contact of any sort. And please, for the sake of society and in the name of everything good, take that stupid sticker off your car. This has been a public service announcement from The Boeskool.

What are some of the worst bumper stickers you have seen? Or your favorites? 

There you have it…. the follow up to the Pope Francis blog. I wasn’t sure what to write about. Thanks to everyone who read it and shared it–It is far and away my most read post ever, and a week later, its per hour views are still climbing. So fun. And if you haven’t subscribed yet, you should…. Thanks again!

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23 Responses to The Unforgivable Sin Of Bumper Stickers

  1. Susan S. says:

    One of my worst: “God said it. I believe it. That settles it.” I can’t decide if I hate it because of what it says or because it reminds me of one of the cheesy songs I used to hear when my mom watched “The PTL Club.” And one of the best: “It’s not the answer that enlightens, but the question.”

  2. Old Hippie says:

    The bumper sticker that I have long wanted to create: FIGHTING FOR PEACE IS LIKE FUCKING FOR VIRGINITY. I didn’t create this but saw it as graffiti in the subway in NYC in the ’60s during the Vientname war. Obviously as a bumper stickier this would be short lived and, perhaps, so would I. In fact, only on a blog such as this one . . . . .

    • rdericta says:

      If it starts with “Fighting for. . . .” it should mean instantly a “noble cause” . . .
      If starts with “Fuck . . . .” do bother reading the rest, . . . . there’s nor room for argument!

  3. Lauren says:

    I read in a Bill Watterson interview once that he wished he had the foresight to predict the popularity of Calvin peeing on car logos…then he’d be a billionaire

  4. chuck says:

    Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. That and the failed political campaign stickers that I suppose people try to prove a point with?

  5. Kim says:

    One of my all-time favorites is
    “Nuke The Gay Baby Whales For Jesus”
    because it offends almost everyone, and then makes you laugh.

  6. Joel Knisley says:

    Good post/thoughts, but you’re obviously kinder than I. I’m not sure if I forgive bumper stickers at all–at least not the ones which draw lines in the sand. A bumper sticker neither requires nor invites any dialogue. Maybe a sticker is really the only appropriate place for dogmatic rhetoric (especially religious), because the worldviews usually expressed there can bear very little cross examination anyway. Nobody cares enough to pull you over and ask you about your stickers.

    As for the Calvin-peeing-on-things stickers, I’m with you. Watterson didn’t license Calvin for merchandising. Using his image for whatever lame message one might have is truly unforgivable.

  7. I want a bumper sticker with that equation of yours on it.

  8. Jayson says:

    My opinion is not to worry yourself with other folks bumper stickers. We should all try to be more Christ like, but it seems as though most of us miss the boat because we are so consumed with passing judgment on everyone else.

    Always speak kindly of others and try to see things from their perspective. Jesus on the Cross said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34).

  9. DakotaStarchild says:

    How about liberal-themed bumper stickers that you’ve seen? I’m sure there are a shit ton of those you don’t agree with or think are ridiculous. It just seems like you are against most bumper stickers of a conservative nature. A little biased, it seems…

  10. Ken says:

    I made one that says “Ban Republican Marriage” and put it on my truck. Should I take it off?

  11. feminarian says:

    And that’s that. Now I must follow your blog. Thanks for the laugh 🙂

  12. Bobby Braswell says:

    My fav: “Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you’re an a**hole.”

  13. Kari says:

    Favorite: “What if the hokey pokey really IS what it’s all about?”

  14. aswanash alehim says:

    what yoy say if yoyr gods elder son ish there,
    yoy vatican shit yoy newer wish to see yoyr god

    im

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  16. standup2p says:

    I saw the Devil one evening. He pulled up next to me in a primer grey Porsche, looked over at me and gave me a chin chuck. The light changed and he roared ahead with no,head lights- on the rear deck was a number sticker “It’s Still Not Fucking Weird Enough for Me”

  17. I have a sticker on my truck that says “Jesus is Coming, Look Busy!”

  18. Pingback: How To Not Get Murdered By People On Facebook | The Boeskool

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