Seven Things About You That Are Grosser Than My Beard

Yeah, those are gray hairs in my beard. What's it to ya? This beard is clean enough to eat off of.... In fact, I often do.

Yeah, those are gray hairs in my beard. What’s it to ya? This beard is clean enough to eat off of…. In fact, I often do.

If you’re a man with a beard, chances are pretty good that yesterday or today, someone showed you a study that was released recently about finding poo particles in beards. Some bozo in Albuquerque, New Mexico buys a box of Q-tips and a microscope, and now everyone with a beard is getting tagged in these articles… Now, I’m not disputing that they found fecal particles in more than one person’s beard–I just think it’s ridiculous that they are picking on beards. Here are some other things to consider before you start pointing your finger at my (or anyone else’s) beard:

  1. If you look closely enough, you’ll find that everything is covered with poo. Literally everything. Your steering wheel? There’s poo on it. That organic seven-grain snack bar you just ate? There was poo all over it. That phone you’re holding? Welcome to poo town, population you. If you take a cotton swab to any part of anybody, and then put it under a microscope, you are going to be very grossed out at what you find. Even the mites that live on your eyelids and eyelashes know that. Did you just blink? The eyelash mites probably felt it.
  2. Our mouths contain way more bacteria than our anuses. That’s right… So when someone tells you that you have a potty mouth, they are actually giving you an upgrade in cleanliness. Do you know the practical ramifications of this? It means that if you have a cut on your hand and you are given a choice between someone kissing it and someone placing their anus on it, choose the anus.
  3. And that’s saying a lot, because our anuses are NOT clean. If you drop a deuce, wipe, and walk away feeling any sort of satisfied with your ass’s cleanliness, you are living in a dream world. We clean the poo off ourselves with dry toilet paper. DRY TOILET PAPER?!?! There is hair down their, people. Imagine someone pooping on top of your head, and then your response being, “I need to clean this up…. Would you hand me a few plies of DRY TOILET PAPER? I’m just going to wipe this out of my hair….” Never. You would run–not walk–to the nearest bathroom, jump in the shower, and scrub your head with soap and scalding hot water until you emptied the hot water heater. Then you would curl up on the ground in your towel, rocking slowly back and forth, waiting for the water to heat up again…. and then do it all over again.
  4. Every time you will ever or have ever smelled a fart, or a dirty bathroom, or a steaming pile of dog crap next to a sidewalk, here is what is happening: You are breathing in little tiny poo particles into your mouth and nose that were recently inside someone else’s colon. Swab the inside of your nose, and you’re going to find someone else’s poop. And the average person farts about 14 times a day.
  5. Chances are really good that the water you’re drinking today–that exact same water–was previously flushed down some stranger’s toilet. Then it got sent away, cleaned up a bit, and sent back to your water bottle. Refreshing!
  6. The dust on your keyboard is mostly old skin and the little mites that like to eat it. Humans shed about 40 pounds of skin during the course of their lives…. Take a deep breath.
  7. And one more for the road: Each day, you swallow about a quart of snot. Let that ruminate for a little while….

So seriously…. Leave my beard alone! Like the Bible says, “Before you point out the speck of grossness in your neighbor’s beard, worry about the plank full of disgustingness in your own nasty-ass head of hair.” And also, “Let he (or she) who is without a pillowcase full of microscopic animals that are feeding off the residue of countless strangers’ urine and fecal particles cast the first stone.”

P.S. You’re welcome for not including pictures with each thing I mentioned.

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8 Responses to Seven Things About You That Are Grosser Than My Beard

  1. Quixie says:

    This is perhaps the grossest AND funniest thing I’ve read in a long time! Good job. 👏

  2. Are those Biblical quotes from an orthodox translation? ;^) I like it.

  3. mihipte says:

    “If you’re a man with a beard, chances are pretty good that yesterday or today, someone showed you a study that was released recently about finding poo particles in beards.”

    No, not until you made that probability equal to 1 (i.e. certain). Biological life is disgusting, isn’t it? Now that lunch is past, I can start sharing this…

  4. Shelly says:

    Thank you for justifying what I’ve been saying for decades, “Kiss my ass.” (After wiping with a wet one, of course!)

  5. gregfraz says:

    You are absolutely putting my old ass into early Depends!

  6. My wife cited that study when telling me I should never grow a beard again. Guess I’m going to take this post and go do some mansplaining 😉

  7. Thanks for making me laugh harder than I’ve ever laughed while vomiting.

  8. morty631 says:

    Now I just wish I had alopecia, oof.

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