10 New Ideas For Laws Now That They’ve Voted The Bible As Tennessee’s Official State Book

This decision was less than inspired.

This decision was less than inspired.

If you haven’t already heard, the Tennessee House just voted to make the Bible the official state book of Tennessee. If you hear this and think “that is so freaking asinine,” congratulations–You passed the test! It’s a test that I like to call the “Dip Shit Test.” I really think that the Tennessee legislature does this sort of stuff to send a message to liberals to let them know that they are not welcome here. Here are a few more pieces of legislation that they’re working on to let non-Christians know that they need to look for another place to live….

1.  From now on all intersections will be known as “cross-sections” as a reminder of the cross that Jesus died on.

2.  Easter eggs will now only be referred to as “Resurrection Eggs.”

3.  When people get sworn in in a court of law, they will be required to say, “So help me Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.”

4.  The flat tire repair aerosol at people carry in their cars with them will now be known as “Crucifix-A-Flat.”

5.  Any street address that is currently 666 will have to find a new number, as that is obviously Satan’s address. Actually, you know what? You’re getting rid of all sixes. Sounds too much like sex….

6.  Police badges will be replaced by pins in the shape of Jesus fish.

7.  No more working on Sundays. It’s the Sabbath, y’all…. Businesses whose hours of operation differ from those of Chick-Fil-A and Hobby Lobby are just asking for trouble.

8.  The official state drink will now be Communion Wine (Welches Grape Juice).

9.  Moving Citations will be accompanied by requiring five Hail Mary’s and an Our Father.

10. Levitical purity laws will be checked and enforced on all new marriages. Women who are found to not be virgins on their wedding nights will be stoned to death. Also, the missionary position is the only legitimate way to have sex. People caught having any other kind of sex will be issued a Moving Citation (see #9).


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11 Responses to 10 New Ideas For Laws Now That They’ve Voted The Bible As Tennessee’s Official State Book

  1. kathy says:

    I wish I could laugh at your column today, but the truth is that I’m ashamed and embarrassed to be a Nashville resident. What a pathetic and cowardly group of humans our Tennessee legislature is. Next thing you know, they’re going to try to control the reproductive lives of the women of our state. Oh, oops…

  2. mihipte says:

    Eh… Who gives a crap? Granted, it’s a stupid move politically. But the Supreme Court still won’t tolerate Bibles in government buildings. (Although, again, who gives a crap? Not me.)

    I’m much more interested in allowing mosques to be built and atheists to deliver the opening “prayer” (benediction?) at meetings. That, and Illinois[1] should be able to make the Koran their official book. Because who gives a crap, right? Cue double standard.

    1 – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Islam_in_the_United_States#By_state

  3. Gil Gonzalez says:

    Rocky Top will now be known as Peter Top ….. because, ya’ know, “Upon this rock….”

  4. veronica says:

    Can you imagine if a group of Muslims wanted to make the Quran the “official book” of any state? Or the Christians who want God and prayer put back in our public schools – if their child happens to have a Jewish teacher? What then? These TN legislators are so foolish and short sighted. TN looks so stupid and backwards.

  5. Mary says:

    Tennessee has a lot of competition these days for looking stupid and backwards. Got to wonder how your legislators fit this in with the concept of “separation of church and state.” It would surely take some convoluted thinking.

  6. FlyG says:

    When an unbiased person is truly open to the Bible and the teachings of Christ, they find truth in it. Their heart and spirit confirms it– it is felt in a deep and real way. They find it has God’s power of love and healing all over it. His light shines through it. It is a lifeline of wisdom and everything good in this life. Those who have seen and understood know it’s the greatest treasure on earth. It is the greatest and most important book in the world. Those who want to make it a state book are expressing its greatness and honoring God. They are also rejecting typical political trends made by men, twisting elements of truth to endless falsehoods. We should know we can’t trust politicans, pundits, or news and entertainment corporations by now. But endless people, especially liberals, choose to trust them despite long histories of corruption. Yet they choose to reject Jesus, whose life and teachings are 100% pure, honorable, and what the world needs most.

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