If you haven’t already heard, the Tennessee House just voted to make the Bible the official state book of Tennessee. If you hear this and think “that is so freaking asinine,” congratulations–You passed the test! It’s a test that I like to call the “Dip Shit Test.” I really think that the Tennessee legislature does this sort of stuff to send a message to liberals to let them know that they are not welcome here. Here are a few more pieces of legislation that they’re working on to let non-Christians know that they need to look for another place to live….
1. From now on all intersections will be known as “cross-sections” as a reminder of the cross that Jesus died on.
2. Easter eggs will now only be referred to as “Resurrection Eggs.”
3. When people get sworn in in a court of law, they will be required to say, “So help me Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.”
4. The flat tire repair aerosol at people carry in their cars with them will now be known as “Crucifix-A-Flat.”
5. Any street address that is currently 666 will have to find a new number, as that is obviously Satan’s address. Actually, you know what? You’re getting rid of all sixes. Sounds too much like sex….
6. Police badges will be replaced by pins in the shape of Jesus fish.
7. No more working on Sundays. It’s the Sabbath, y’all…. Businesses whose hours of operation differ from those of Chick-Fil-A and Hobby Lobby are just asking for trouble.
8. The official state drink will now be Communion Wine (Welches Grape Juice).
9. Moving Citations will be accompanied by requiring five Hail Mary’s and an Our Father.
10. Levitical purity laws will be checked and enforced on all new marriages. Women who are found to not be virgins on their wedding nights will be stoned to death. Also, the missionary position is the only legitimate way to have sex. People caught having any other kind of sex will be issued a Moving Citation (see #9).
Dear Tennessee House: PLEASE STOP TRYING TO MAKE OUR STATE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE COUNTRY!