The Top 4 Plans Mike Pence Has For Stopping The Coronavirus

Yes, Donald Trump has named Mike Pence as “Coronavirus Czar.” It’s his responsibility to keep our country safe from the virus that has spread over Asia and parts of Europe. Now, this might strike some as an odd choice… Seeing how MIKE PENCE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN SCIENCE. And as with every dim-witted thing Trump does or has done, there is a tweet for LITERALLY EVERYTHING….

That’s right… The job of keeping our country as safe as possible from a global pandemic has gone to a man who doesn’t believe in evolution, and wants creationism taught in schools. When he was governor of Indiana, his doubting of scientific evidence helped spark the biggest AIDS outbreak in the history of that state when he stopped Indiana’s needle exchange program. In the past, he stated that “Global warming is a myth.” In 2000, he wrote that “Despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn’t kill” (though, that might have had something to do with his family’s ownership stake in a chain of stores called “Tobacco Road”). He wanted to use federal funds for conversion therapy for LGBTQIA people. He said that he doesn’t think condoms work (along with the fact that he thinks they are “too modern” and “too liberal”).

With an intellect that has been called “Barely Sentient,” and “Smarter Than A Rock” (Did you say Iraq? No. *A* rock), no one has ever accused Mike Pence of being “the smartest guy in the room”… even when he was in a room that contained only himself, a male golden retriever, and some potted plants. Though, in his defense, it should be noted that Golden Retrievers are a very intelligent breed. And NOW, he’s the one in charge of heading up our response to a global pandemic. An unnamed source* has informed me that the following are Mike Pence’s four best ideas for containing the coronavirus outbreak:

*The unnamed source is my imagination. This next part is clearly satire, people.

  1. Prayer, Prayer, & More Prayer. Everyone knows that faith like a mustard seed can move mountains… So Mike Pence has sent out a “Calling All Prayer Warriors” email that will be forwarded to every evangelical church’s listserv within approximately 48 hours. They will then pray a “hedge of protection” around this nation, which ANY virus will find VERY DIFFICULT to get through. They will also pray for “traveling mercies” for Americans traveling abroad into the countries that God doesn’t care about (shithole countries, if you will). On a side note, isn’t it interesting that evangelicals never use the old “prayer” defense when dealing with the problem of keeping immigrants out of our country? Or protecting themselves from all those rapists & murderers? THEN it always seems to call for walls and guns. Speaking of…
  2. Build! That! WALL! Since the news of the coronavirus outbreak, many republicans have been gloating about Trump’s attempt to build a giant wall at our southern border. They have been very, “See? We told you we needed a wall.” Of course, this is based on the very xenophobic notion that illegal immigrants bring diseases — For some reason, they believe viruses and diseases attach themselves to immigrants… Especially non-english speakers and BROWN immigrants (the same group which Trump and Pence will tell you are more prone to be rapists & murderers). So Pence plans to quickly finish building the wall… despite the evidence that the OVERWHELMING MAJORITY of undocumented immigrants fly here and overstay their visas. You might be thinking, “Why aren’t we building a wall at our NORTHERN border?” Are you kidding? No Canadians are coming here during an outbreak. They have publicly funded healthcare! Coming to America and getting sick is a real quick way to end up bankrupt… Anyway, vacationing rich people are way more likely to be responsible for spreading a virus from Asia than any poor Mexican looking for better paying job.
  3. Apply The “Mike Pence Rule” To Coronavirus. Mike Pence famously said that he never allows himself to eat with a woman other than his wife, whose name is Karen (of course it is)… And that he won’t even attend an event where alcohol is served unless Karen (of course) is at his side. And so far, this has worked to keep him as innocent and clean as his politician’s hairstyle of pure, white manliness. So Pence was thinking the if we — as a nation of men — apply this same fear-based, archaic, misogynistic way of viewing every other woman on the planet as a possible harlot who is ready to unleash our uncontrollable man-lust on them, then maybe — Just maybe — we can all stay far enough away from each other that no one catches another case of coronavirus. It’s basically like quarantining our genitals, only with our face parts. This, accompanied by a healthy Christian fear of any male contact as being “gay,” will keep the virus from spreading. At least it will keep it from spreading to the faithful… And those are the ones who really count. Them, and the very, very rich.
  4. Blame Everything On God. Really, what difference does it make? The time we are alive is like the blink of an eye compared to spending forever in heaven or eternity in the fires of hell… What’s a few less years for a few million folks? Besides, the Bible says the world is going to end soon anyway. Listen, if all else fails, it becomes a colossal failure, and 2% of all Americans die from exposure to both this new illness (& this inept administration), he can just throw his hands up and call it “God’s Will.” He could even pull a Pat Robertson and call this “God’s Judgment” for letting the gays get married. That right there is the failsafe for every bit of harm that comes from anti-intellectual incompetence based on Christian fundamentalism… And there has been PLENTY of it.

The man whose face has a permanent expression of “So you mean to tell me a SHRIMP fried this rice?” is leading the response to a global pandemic. We are screwed…

So there you have it. That’s how we’re all going to get this stupid virus. Don’t worry — The mortality rate is only at about 2% right now. Though for the elderly, it is closer to 15%, so if you have anything you’d like to say to the old folks in your life… I’m kidding, of course. Sort of. Many people are definitely going to die from this, and it pisses me off that we have elected people who don’t believe in science to lead this country. During this outbreak, Trump cut CDC funding by 9%. And now he wants to pay for the coronavirus response by taking heat away from poor people. And he gives us a certified moron to lead the response. People, I will say it again: IT MATTERS WHO GOVERNS! Register to vote.


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2 Responses to The Top 4 Plans Mike Pence Has For Stopping The Coronavirus

  1. Larry Kunz says:

    Wait. I thought you said this was satire. If you ask me, knowing Pence, you just described his plan to a T.

  2. Veronica Bobo says:

    I’m with Larry. I think this is exactly Pence’s plan.

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