The Pure, Unfiltered Hellscape That Is The School Drop-Off Line

Each morning I visit hell. Not Hell, Michigan, and not some fiery, figurative Gehenna-ish hell that Jesus talked about in the Bible… but the ACTUAL HELL, right here on earth. I load my kids into the car, and I drive straight into the hot, red circle of Satan’s anus that is known as the School Drop-Off Line.

There are few places on the planet that you can so clearly see the brokenness of humanity as in the School Drop-Off Line. And never are people so selfishly broken as when it gets closer to the time when your kids are late, and you have to park your car, go inside, and sign them in. God help me, I hate it so much. People abandon every lesson and moral of their youth. The School Drop-Off Line is why movies like Mad Max are a very distinct possibility of where we are headed. It actually already feels quite a bit like this…

Seriously, what kind of person looks at a line of cars, and thinks, “I’m just going to cut in line, because my kids are more important than everyone else’s kids.” WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!? Behind those darkly tinted windows, I imagine your faces painted with the blood of your enemies… one hand on a crossbow, the other giving the middle finger to all rules and expectations of appropriate human behavior… your toddlers bouncing in the backseat, not strapped in to any sort of carseat… feral creatures, eating a cheese stick for breakfast, and pissing wherever they please…

Did you not learn these rules at the water fountain in kindergarten? Here’s what happens when you cut in line: EVERYONE ELSE BEHIND YOU HAS TO WAIT EVEN LONGER. You insensitive, selfish, arrogant asshole. <– I seriously want to get signs printed up that say these words, and hand them out to the parents in the drop-off line who have a shred of decency. Never are my thoughts more murderous than when I watch people intentionally cut in line during this monotonous morning routine. If there is an actual hell, there is a special place there reserved for people who look at the tedious slowness of idiots in a School Drop-Off Line, and decide to make it even worse. RAGE!

Okay… Just breathe, Chris… Remember that the vast majority of people are NOT the sort of people who have so little regard for others that they actively attempt to make a bad situation even worse. Remember that most people share your disgust. Breathe…

I have been dealing with this nightmare for many years now, and I have a few pieces of advice for parents who brave the daily test of patience that is the School Drop-Off Line:

  • Your kids are no more important than anyone else’s kids. Just like your time is no more important than anyone else’s time. If you cut in front of people in the School Drop-Off Line, you are objectively as asshole. I shouldn’t have to say this… But here we are.
  • If it’s raining, your kids are going to be alright if they get a little wet. No one is going to melt. When you insist on letting your precious little A-hole out at EXACTLY the closest spot to the door, it slows down the whole process for all of us, and the line moves one car at a time. PULL. ALL. THE. WAY. FORWARD. KAREN.
  • Those cones are there for a reason. And that reason is to keep people like you from cutting in line and pissing everyone else off to the point that they want to Towanda your ass all the way back to Fried Green Tomatoes county… DON’T TOUCH THE CONES.
  • Don’t try to start a fight. I admit that I have rolled my window down to inform strangers of the rules they have broken… But stay in the car. The sort of people who flip the bird to social conventions are exactly the same sort of people who keep a gun in their glovebox. It’s not worth getting shot over. And even if you are angry enough that you decide it is, it’s definitely not worth getting some little kid shot over.
  • And most importantly — Your kids learn lessons from the example you set. So you aren’t just making MY mornings more miserable… You are spreading your hatred and indifference to future generations. The world doesn’t need more “Me first” than it already has. 
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Towanda: Righter of Wrongs, Queen Beyond Compare!


If you love this blog, and you’d like to help me do fancy things for my kids — Like buy them food, or whatever… or pay for gas while I sit in the drop-off line — you can BECOME A PATRON. Or if this post made you happy and you’d like to leave a tip, you can DO THAT ON PAYPAL. I’ve also started an email list, so if you’d like to get my posts sent to your inbox, you can SIGN UP FOR THAT HERE. Otherwise, follow me on TWITTER HERE, or also on FACEBOOK HERE. TOWANDA!

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5 Responses to The Pure, Unfiltered Hellscape That Is The School Drop-Off Line

  1. Mikki says:

    Our grands go to Caurus Academy in Anthem, Az. They have the most civil, organized, effiecient car line you’ve ever seen. I feel sorry for all the school personel (yes….including the principal) and teachers who stand out there to make it work during the summer. It is brutal.

  2. D.B. Sieders says:

    Satan’s anus is a phrase I’m going to work into as many conversations as possible. You’re doing much good in the world. Keep it up!

  3. Anna says:

    The red circle of Satan’s anus? An excellent image of unpleasantness. I’ve never had to deal with a drop-off line. My kids walked to school. But the sort of selfishness and rudeness you describe exists everywhere. Too many people!

  4. Trish Carino says:

    “I imagine your faces painted with the blood of your enemies…” Oh my gosh, I died laughing! So good! I teach at a middle school, and I see this every single day. Every. Single. Day. People are awful!

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