There is still a lot of time before the presidential primaries. And I’ve been thinking that I should do more than just writing about “Why It’s Okay For Christians To Call Donald Trump A Jackass.” I need to give people some other options. We need to do more than say things like, “Donald Trump is not fit to be President of the United States.” So that’s what this is…. It’s a non-exhaustive list of some people (and objects) that I would vote for before I would vote for The Donald. Enjoy.

Fun fact: The Mayor is the son of Irish immigrants.

Mayor McCheese. Yes, I realize that Mayor McCheese has a cheeseburger for a head, but he clearly has much more legislative experience than Donald Trump. Also, Mayor McCheese never insinuated that the Mexican immigrants in this country are criminals, drug dealers, and rapists. All things that Donald Trump has said more than once.

Fun Fact: Koko’s chest hair is actually a combover.

Koko The Gorilla. Koko understands over 2000 words of spoken English… Which, as far as I can tell, is significantly more words than Mr. Trump understands. Koko would be our nation’s first female president. Koko has repeatedly shown kindness to animals… The closest thing that Donald has come to that is showing kindness to whatever that thing is on top of his head–It just seems to me like she would be a kinder, gentler Commander In Chief. Also, Koko has never called women “fat pigs,” “bimbos,” “dogs,” “slobs,” and “disgusting animals.” All things that the leading republican presidential candidate has called women.

Fun Fact: This person makes his own capitalization rules.

This Guy. I don’t know his name… I don’t know where he’s from… I don’t know anything about his policies… But–God help me–I like the cut of this guy’s jib. He just strikes me as a “Patriot,” you know? He just looks like a good, healthy American male. With a good, healthy American mustache. And a good, healthy American mullet. His T-shirt says he’s a baseball fan, and his patriotic d0-rag says he’s clearly loves America. And his misspelling of the word “morons” tells me he’s not one of those “intellectual elites.” Also, as far as I know, this guy has never said anything as awful as “Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.”

Fun Fact: This box of rocks has more diversity than most Trump rallies.

This Box Of Rocks. Okay, I know. I know, but hear me out–Even though many people will tell you that Trump is “dumber” than this box of rocks, I actually don’t know that to be true… I’ve never heard this box of rocks say anything. They say it’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. So who knows? Trump very well COULD be smarter than this box of rocks… but intelligence isn’t everything. One thing is for sure, though: This box of rocks has never said, “You know, it doesn’t really matter what [the media] write, as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” But I bet you know who did….

Fun Fact: Cartman ALSO acted like a Christian–in the episode of Southpark where he started the Christian boyband, “Faith +1.”

Eric Cartman. This decision is actually a little closer than the others, but I think that Cartman still wins my vote. Sure, Eric Cartman is notoriously racist, sexist, anti-Semitic. And sure, he’s almost certainly a sociopath. And sure, he once pitted crack babies against each other, had the babies fight over a piece of crack, and made all kinds of money having people on the internet bet on the winner. But I like the way this kid tells it like it is! He’s blunt, he’s brash, and when people get in his face, he tells them, “What eva! I do what I want!” We NEED someone in office who does what he wants. We NEED someone who demands that people respect his AUTHORITAH! You know what? Eric Cartman and Donald Trump are way more alike than I realized…. Though, one thing Cartman DIDN’T tweet about his political opponent is this: 

So there you have it. We have a lot of options that are still out there for presidential candidates. Let’s not make any hasty decisions. Also, I love my Patrons! And today I especially love one named Jim Boersma–I good, strong Dutch name. It’s no “Boeskool,” but it’ll do. PEOPLE ARE SO AWESOME!