The Boeskool

Bury The Boston Bomber in My Backyard

Posted on May 6, 2013 by theboeskool

In this country we bury people. This man is dead…. Let’s bury him.

If you haven’t heard by now, they are having a very hard time finding a cemetery willing to accept the body of Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the alleged Boston Marathon bomber who was killed in a shootout with police a few days after the bombing. A lot of the cemeteries are afraid of push back by angry relatives of loved ones buried there, as well as being afraid that people might not buy lots there in the future because one of the men responsible for the bombs that left three people dead and more than 150 people injured is buried there. Islamic law forbids cremation, so they’re trying to find a place to bury this guy…. No takers.

In all seriousness…. I’ve got some really beautiful feet.

Now, I realize that different people have different reverence for what happens to a person’s body after he or she dies. Me? I don’t care at all. If any part of me can be used to help someone who is still alive, I say “Great!” Cut me up however you would like, and use whichever parts you need. Have them all! I have some very lovely feet, turns out…. If I’m dead–Take ’em! I realize not everyone believes the same thing about burial, but seriously…. Someone give this guy a hole! I realize that we are pretty close to certain that he was responsible for the bombings, and I understand that there are many people out there who cannot forgive him for that, but he is already dead. Do we really need to even pass judgement on his remains? I’m just not understanding this.

Yup. That’s me.

Here’s the thing: There are murderers buried in every cemetery. There are rapists. There are adulterers. There wife-beaters. There are liars. There are thieves. I’m sure that in many cases, all of these sins are contained in one grave. Some of these same people probably have monuments around town–If we start only allowing sinless people into cemeteries, things are going to pretty stinky up here above ground. I realize this man hurt a lot of people, and I’m not saying that is okay, but he’s already paid with his life. He did something horrible, but this is still someone’s son. I don’t know…. Here’s what I’m saying: You can bury the man in my backyard. If no one else will take him, I will. My yard’s not that big, but I’m sure we can find a spot. His grave will be a reminder to me and my family of how we have all fallen short of the glory of God, and it’s not the good that we do that earns us forgiveness–or even something as simple as a resting place–But it’s God’s love and grace and mercy that are our only hope. Let us live that way.

Posted in 5) Not Quite Sure | Tagged Burial, Bury The Boston Bomber in My Backyard, Tamerlan Tsarnaev | 9 Comments

A Public Pooping Cautionary Tale

Posted on May 6, 2013 by theboeskool

Somewhere in the world, there is an old man with a story…. A story that doesn’t get told to just anyone. It’s a story that maybe only gets told when large amounts of wine have been enjoyed. It’s a story that, due to the personal trauma it has caused him, maybe he has convinced himself didn’t really take place. But it did take place. I know. Because I was there. This old man’s story is the story of a deranged and wild-eyed college student who attempted to force his way into his stall while he sat there trying to move his bowels in peace and something like privacy. How do I know? Because, you see…. I was that college student.

Though it had much of the same support, it was way more flowery and frilly than the Manzier/Bro.

Though it had much of the same support, hers was way more flowery and frilly than the Manzier/Bro.

It was a day like any other day. Except on this day, as I sat in an Interim class learning about music theory, I and one of my friends watched as one of our female classmate’s lace-covered breasts popped completely out of her blouse. She was wearing some sort of shiny shirt–satin or silk or something–and, for some reason, it only had three buttons: One near the top, one in the middle, and one just above where it gets tucked in. At some point during the class (Interim classes were three hours long), the middle button had come undone. This particular classmate asked and answered a lot of questions, and raised her hand quite a bit…. I guess it just got jostled free. We watched in horrified joy as she raised her hand to answer a question, and she exposed the entirety of her boob–fancy bra and all–to us, as well as (the thing that made it truly funny) to our aging and proper music professor. It was impossible not to notice, but he acted like he couldn’t see her, even though her hand was the only hand in the air. This annoyed her, and she started to wave her hand around a little bit to get his attention (no one else was answering, because we were all captivated by the strange dance of discomfort and desire and denial unfolding before our eyes), and things got…. jiggly.

Our music professor said he thought it was a good time for a break. It was.

It was a face much like Vladimir Putin is making here….

We all stood up and milled around for a bit. A girl in our class told her that her button had come undone, she blushed and buttoned her blouse, and she walked out of the classroom. While in the hallway, we relived every awkward moment–him asking a question, her waving hand trying to get called on, and his contorted face as he pretended like he couldn’t see her. We laughed so hard we thought we might pee, so we ran into the bathroom. There was a urinal and a stall, and my friend beat me to the urinal, so I headed for the stall–laughing the whole time.

I am working on a piece of legislation that would make these signs mandatory at all public restrooms, but it’s being held up in committee…. Stupid Tea Party.

I pushed open the door, but for an unknown reason the door didn’t open the whole way–which was something I was unaccustomed to feeling when opening a bathroom stall. To my surprise, the door was being pushed back at me, and I realized that we were not alone in that restroom. Now, understand this: I would have been more than happy to let the occupant of that stall close the door, but my feet were already inside the stall, and to keep from falling over I had to push the door back toward him…. Thus began a few moments (though it felt like an eternity) of him pushing the door closed while I seemed to be attempting to force my way–occupant be damned–onto that toilet seat. At some point during the struggle, our eyes met (his eyes filled with a combination of confusion and fear), and I realized that the person protecting his potty was my professor. He couldn’t pretend his way out of this awkwardness. In what felt like minutes later, I gained my balance, pulled the door to, and ran out of the bathroom choking back laughter. My friend ran out with me. I’m not sure if he finished or not…. It was just understood by both of us that it was time to leave.

Here's a German sign, letting people know that there should be no pooping on seats, or while drinking or eating a snow cone....

Here’s a German sign, letting people know that there should be no pooping on subway seats, while drinking a soda, or while eating a snow cone….

In that moment of eye-contact, as my music professor and I struggled–I for my balance, he for his dignity–we made as unspoken promise to never, ever mention this incident to each other. We kept that promise. But the story lives on….

And I am reminded of it every time a stranger walks into a bathroom while I am in a stall. The hilarious horror of that afternoon haunts me to this day. And this is really the reason I share this story with you now. If you are doing your business in a public stall, do the rest of us a favor and follow these three simple rules of pooping etiquette:

LOCK THE DOOR. If there is one stall and one urinal, there is a lock on the main door to the bathroom, and you are using the stall to drop a deuce, just go ahead and lock the main door. If a person walks in there to pee, no one wants to stand there and pee next to you while you stink up the joint and make poo noises with nothing separating us except a thin piece of metal.
MAKE SOME NOISE. If you can’t lock everyone else out while you throw down, the least you can do is alert people to your presence. I do this without fail. If a person walks into the bathroom while I’m sitting down, I’m making some noise to let ’em know I’m there…. Whether it’s clearing my throat, tapping my foot, or whistling a happy tune–Sometimes all three. Make some freaking noise.
LATCH THE STALL. If the previous lines of defense break down, and the person walking in is either too dumb to look under the door for feet or too preoccupied because he just saw a girl’s boob pop out of her shirt, the least you can do is make sure your stall door is latched. And if there is no latch, you had better have your hand on the door to keep it shut. And if there is no door and you decide to go anyway, it better be an absolute emergency. Because nobody–neither humans nor animals–wants to make eye contact with a stranger while they’re taking a twosie.

I hope this cautionary tale cautions your airy tail. And if you’re reading this post on your phone in a public bathroom while you’re sitting down, take a moment to look up and make sure the door is latched. You never know who might try to get in there with you….

Posted in 3) Bathroom Humor | Tagged Bathroom Humor, Bro, Cautionary Tale, Funny Story, Humor, Kramer, Manzier, Pooping Etiquette, Public Pooping | 2 Comments

You’re Not A Christian If….

Posted on April 24, 2013 by theboeskool

This DJ would NEVER wish Hell on someone. Uncle Jesse, maybe….

I was listening to the radio last week–it was a couple of days after the bombs went off in Boston–and the DJ was talking about finding the person/persons who did it. She said, “I hope that we find whoever did this, I hope we bring them to justice, and I hope they go straight to Hell” (I can’t be sure, but it seems like her idea of “bring them to justice” means to kill them as a punishment for the people that they killed and hurt. Incidentally, she used her vocal hopes of eternal damnation as a segue into a spoken advertisement for some sort of dog food. It went “hope they go STRAIGHT TO HELL! *pause….* You know, I love my dog a whole lot, and I want to do what’s best for it….” It was jarring, to say the least).

You can’t be a Christian if you carry a gun. Wait a second….

Most of the time I believed it was garbage when people would say something like “You’re not a Christian if….” followed by whatever. You can’t be a Christian if you’re Pro-Choice. You’re not a Christian if you go to THAT church. You can’t be gay and be a Christian. If you don’t believe that Hell is an eternity of torture, you aren’t really a Christian. You’re not a Christian if you don’t believe in the Trinity, or the Virgin Birth, or the Rapture, or whatever…. There is this dichotomy between “real Christians” and people who just call themselves Christians (Not too surprisingly, the person talking is almost always a part of the group containing the “real Christians”). This is the stuff of division and disunion and denominations…. “They’re geting it all wrong, but WE’VE got it right.”

The state may decide to take this teen’s life, but if you call yourself a Christian, you’re heart should break for this young man.

As much as it can sound arbitrary and judgmental to add these sorts of hardline qualifying statements to right Christian doctrine, I think I’ve decided on one that works for me. Here it is: If you wish Hell on another person, you’re not a Christian. Let me qualify that, because “Christian” can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people (as can “Hell”). If you believe (I don’t, but many people do) that Hell is an eternity of torture–one where someone’s essence is prolonged in tortuous agony for a million years, and when that million years is up, you still have a billion years to go, followed by a trillion more years of torture after that–and you think another person’s actions DESERVE that fate and you wish that on them, then you probably don’t know Jesus at all. He hasn’t changed your heart. You aren’t aware of how depraved you are…. Or the gigantic grace and God-sized love that saved you. And if you would wish an eternity of torture on someone else, regardless of the heinous act a person may have committed, you are probably way more in danger of the fires of some sort of Hell than any misguided kid who sets off a bomb in a crowd of people.

The man I met looked nothing like this. Other than the margarita.

Not too long ago, I met an old Quaker. He was a man in his 80’s, he was wearing overalls that looked to be older than me, and his every movement and word seemed to be thick with love and peace. He’s a man who has spent the last 40 years going to visit death row inmates. He goes into the prisons in an attempt to bring some light and love into a place that tries as hard as possible to dehumanize people who have done some terrible things. He started doing this after his daughter was murdered. The men have to have been on death row for at least fifteen years before they are allowed to come to his class. He talked about how these men are not the same people who committed those crimes that ended someone’s life–crimes that, in turn, resulted in those men being told they are not worth keeping alive. He is an advocate for these men and their humanness, despite the horrific actions of their youth. He is an advocate for love and mercy and forgiveness. And he is an advocate for Jesus–Not the counterfeit Jesus that’s full of hate and damnation for everyone who doesn’t hold your group’s particular understanding of doctrine, but the Jesus who looked at an unbaptized, condemned criminal on a cross next to him and said, “Today, you’re going to be with me in paradise.” The Jesus who told the people that the Samaritan (who believed all the wrong things) was doing a better job of following the command to love than the priests were doing (who had all the “right” doctrine). You know–The Jesus of the Bible.

No one anywhere in the world sees this and is inspired to follow Jesus.

At this very moment, there is probably a person somewhere in the world right now praying that you go straight to hell. Maybe it’s a man somewhere far away from here. Maybe it’s the father of a murdered daughter. Maybe it was a daughter who was killed by a drone attack while playing at a birthday party. But there is no power in “an eye for an eye.” There is no inspiration in vengeance…. There is only more death. As unforgivable as a person’s actions/crimes/sins might seem, it is mercy, forgiveness, love that inspires the world. People cheering when Osama Bin Laden died…. People crying out for the death penalty…. People demanding an quick dismissal to an eternity of torture–These are NOT the actions of a people who follow Jesus. They are the actions of people who don’t realize or don’t remember that they’ve received mercy. And that’s some scary stuff, especially if you consider that Jesus might have meant it when he said “the way that you judge others will be the way that you will be judged, and you will be evaluated by the standard with which you evaluate others.”

I know, I know…. This one was hilarious. My very wise wife is telling me I need to step up the funny, but this past week was a kick in the nuts. But really though, what’s funnier than telling self-righteous people that they don’t really know Jesus, right? I’ll tell you what’s funnier: My next blog post. Count on it.

Posted in 1) Jesus, 2) Politics | Tagged An Eye For An Eye, Boston Bombing, Death Penalty, DJ Tanner, Hell, Jesus, Mercy, Quakers, Real Christians, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, You're not a Christian if | 43 Comments

Thoughts And Prayers About The Boston Marathon Bombing

Posted on April 16, 2013 by theboeskool

Jokes on you, racist people holding hateful signs…. Those kids can’t even read yet!

There was a bomb that went off here in Nashville too. A bomb was detonated inside of a little school called Hattie Cotton Elementary a little over 55 years ago. It went off one day after President Eisenhower signed The Civil Rights Act of 1957, and it was also one day after the first day of school, as Nashville begrudgingly complied with orders to integrate their schools. They decided to integrate one grade per year, starting with first graders, until after twelve years all the schools would be desegregated. The day before the bomb went off, one five-year-old African American walked into Hattie Cotton through a crowd of shouting, boycotting, hating people. A little after midnight, a dynamite explosion blew up a whole wing of the school. It’s thought that the people who planted the bomb believed this act of violence would scare leaders into abandoning their plans for integration…. It did not have that effect. That day, terrorists destroyed a whole wing of the school, but this senseless act galvanized the people’s resolve to stand behind the decision to integrate, and there weren’t any more incidents after that. Hattie Cotton reopened a few months later, and it’s still there today–I’ve been there to teach kids about accepting differences.

Screw it.

Today, after the news of the Boston Marathon Bombing broke, I watched as a whole lot of people said the words “Thoughts and Prayers.” Thoughts and Prayers…. What the hell does that even mean? I’m serious. I’m looking at pictures of blood-soaked streets, and I can just FEEL myself getting more and more cynical. I’m reading “Thoughts and Prayers” on all these Facebook statuses and I’m thinking, “Put your thoughts and prayers in one hand and take a crap in the other, and see which one fills up first.” THAT kind of cynicism. I don’t know what power our prayers have at a time like this…. I started thinking about people using this as a reason to buy some more guns. I started thinking about how people are going to react if the person who did this horrible thing turns out to be a Muslim. I started thinking about all the hateful and racist and ignorant things that get written in the comments section of news stories, and I thought about all the people who “like” those comments, and I started feeling like everything is just bullshit.

But everything isn’t bullshit.

"If I had settled this country, we'd all be dead right now. You'd be dead 'cause I would have been out there going, 'Oh, my inner child doesn't feel like chopping wood today." ~ Patton Oswalt

Behold. The face of a modern prophet….

I know–It might seem like everything is bullshit when you read the comments section online, but those people writing those hate-filled things are all cowards. These people who resort to violence and bombs and terror…. They are all cowards too. They hide behind their screens and their fear and their hatred and their murder, and they don’t matter. They don’t inspire. You know what inspires? People who hear two explosions and start running toward the destruction–with the memories of the Twin Towers still ringing in their heads. Two bombs go off on the bottom floors of some big buildings, and people rush toward it trying to do what they can. It’s wonderful! And people try to turn this sort of bravery into “An American Thing.” It’s not. It’s a human thing. Today in Iraq, 55 people were killed and over 300 hurt in a series of explosions…. It will barely make a blip on our U.S. news. But the people living in Iraq ran to help those who were hurt as well. Humans are wonderful. There is good and bad in all of us, but the good is so much more inspiring than the bad is scary.

I was reminded of this today by Patton Oswalt who wrote these amazing words:

Boston. Fucking horrible.

I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, “Well, I’ve had it with humanity.”

But I was wrong. I don’t know what’s going to be revealed to be behind all of this mayhem. One human insect or a poisonous mass of broken sociopaths.

But here’s what I DO know. If it’s one person or a HUNDRED people, that number is not even a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a percent of the population on this planet. You watch the videos of the carnage and there are people running TOWARDS the destruction to help out. (Thanks FAKE Gallery founder and owner Paul Kozlowski for pointing this out to me). This is a giant planet and we’re lucky to live on it but there are prices and penalties incurred for the daily miracle of existence. One of them is, every once in awhile, the wiring of a tiny sliver of the species gets snarled and they’re pointed towards darkness.

But the vast majority stands against that darkness and, like white blood cells attacking a virus, they dilute and weaken and eventually wash away the evil doers and, more importantly, the damage they wreak. This is beyond religion or creed or nation. We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We’d have eaten ourselves alive long ago.

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, “The good outnumber you, and we always will.”

Who would have thought that Patton Oswalt would be the one to pull me out of the funk that I was in? He, along with Mr. Rogers really helped me. Fred Rogers, whose words we all needed to hear today:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

It IS a beautiful day for a neighbor….

It really is about what you’re looking for–If you’re looking for a reason to hate and be cynical and afraid, you will find them. There are plenty to go around. But if you “look for the helpers,” you can’t help but be encouraged and comforted by all the caring people in this world. Patton Oswalt and Mr. Rogers…. An unlikely tag team to remind me once again that love is stronger than hate.

Sometimes, we see a person do something horrible and we get scared. We allow ourselves to get even more filled with fear than we already were. Other times, something horrible happens and we react with bravery and selflessness and kindness and love. And we leave our fear behind us. Where it belongs…. Those are my Thoughts. And here are my Prayers: Let this be one of those times. Let this be a time that we observe senseless violence and terror and we refuse to let it bring about hatred and cynicism and fear. Let us be inspired by the helpers. Let us look acts of violence in the eye, and tell them they are outnumbered. Let this be one of those times that an act of hatred works to build our resolve to love. Thank you Patton Oswalt. Thank you Mr. Rogers. Thank you Jesus! Amen.

Posted in 1) Jesus, 5) Not Quite Sure | Tagged Boston Marathon Bombing, Bullshit, Cynicism, Hattie Cotton, Mister Rogers, Patton Oswalt, Thoughts and Prayers | 11 Comments

Beware Of Toddlers With Guns!

Posted on April 11, 2013 by theboeskool

“I’m going to ask you again…. Can I have a fruit roll up, or not?”

In the past four days, two different four year old kids have shot and killed people in our country. This past weekend, a sheriff’s deputy (who works as a school resource officer) here in Tennessee laid out his gun collection in his bedroom to show a relative during a family cookout. At some point, a four year old kid grabbed a loaded handgun off the bed (not his service weapon), and “within seconds” shot and killed the deputy’s wife. And then two days ago, a four year old kid in New Jersey somehow got his hands on a loaded .22-caliber rifle and shot the six year old kid he was playing with in the head, killing him. These tragic shootings are backdropped by an attempt in Washington to pass legislation to require background checks on all gun sales–extending the regulations that licensed gun sellers already have to follow in an attempt to close the loopholes created by purchasing guns at gun shows and also buying guns on the internet (wait a minute…. THIS IS LEGAL!?!?!??!!).

“I just bought a 1 lb. bag of quinoa, some vanilla beans, and a Glock with a 30 round clip. Gotta love the internet!”

Now, I know that pro-gun people will tell you that “the only people that gun laws affect are people who obey the law,” but here’s the thing: Let’s say I want to buy a gun. The easiest place for me to go to buy one is at a gun store, but I have done something in my past that might get flagged during a background check that would keep me from getting it. Crapo, right? Right now, what I can do is I can go to a gun show or EVEN ONLINE?!?! and purchase a gun without a background check. What Congress is trying to do is take away that giant loophole that people who shouldn’t be buying guns can currently take advantage of. And yeah, I know–criminals might just be able to buy guns off the black market, but do you know what happens to things when you are forced to buy them off the black market? They become harder to get and they become more expensive. How could this seem like a bad idea to people?

Mike Crapo, a Mormon who professes to abstain from alcohol, seen here in a mugshot from his DUI arrest after blowing a .11 blood alcohol level…. Oh crapo!

Well, there are some who think so. Thirteen Senators are vowing to filibuster to prevent a Senate vote on this piece of legislation, S. 649 The Safe Communities, Safe Schools Act of 2013, requiring universal background checks (other than sales between family members or when hunters let other hunters borrow a gun). Here are the names of the thirteen jackasses who want to prevent this from even coming to a vote (I have have taken the liberty of hypertexting their names with their phone numbers so that, if you want, you can call them up and tell them what you think of their threat to block this vote): Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky), Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah), Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Florida), Jerry Moran (R-Kansas), Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Oklahoma), Sen. Richard Burr (R-North Carolina), Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wisconsin), Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyoming), Sen. Jim Risch (R-Idaho), Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho), Sen. Dan Coats (R-Indiana), Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kansas), and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) who signed on later. I’d expect this kind of stuff from people with names like “Dick Burr” and “Mike Crapo,” but what are the rest of your excuses? PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL THESE MEN AND ENCOURAGE THEM TO PULL THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR ASSES AND ALLOW A VOTE ON COMMON SENSE GUN REGULATIONS! Remind them that you have money, and that you will be using that money to make sure they never get elected again….

I suppose we’ll have to wait for the tipping point where our collective compassion for the victims of gun violence finally outweighs our fear of not having big enough, strong enough, and enough enough military-style weapons.

Right now, we lack the political will in this country to pass any legislation attempting make it more difficult for criminals to obtain Assault Rifles and high capacity magazines like the ones used to murder 20 kids and six adults in Newtown (because it might infringe on law-abiding citizens’ rights to have 100 round clips for their Bushmaster). Unfortunately, we will probably have to suffer through a few more tragedies like the ones in Colorado and Arizona and Colorado and Connecticut before people will not be able to stomach it anymore and finally tell the NRA (as well as the members of congress mentioned above) where they can put their Assault Rifles. But along the lines of common sense gun regulations, here is a question I have been thinking about: WHY IN THE WORLD ARE PEOPLE NOT REQUIRED TO HAVE LIABILITY INSURANCE FOR GUNS???

Every state other than New Hampshire requires people to have auto insurance if they choose to buy a car–in case something goes wrong and that car is used in a way that injures someone or someone’s property. Why, oh why, do we not have something like this for people who choose to buy guns? This way, if you are the sort of gun owner who keeps her guns locked up and safe, you would have low premiums…. If you are the kind of person who keeps a loaded gun on you at all times, you might have to pay a little more…. And if you are the sort of idiot who allows a four year old kid to have access to a loaded gun, and that kid ends up killing someone (or, perhaps, if you kill someone and blame it on a four year old), your insurance premiums are going to go up quite a bit. I realize that, because of laws put in place by NRA lobbyists to protect gun owners from liability, these people are probably not going to jail for their stupidity…. But I think it would make sense to at least have them pay a little extra on their insurance. That’s what happens to me if I bump into someone while checking my Facebook in my car–It should probably happen when someone lets a toddler have a gun and they end up killing someone….

What a world we live in.

Posted in 2) Politics | Tagged Beware of Toddlers With Guns!, Buying guns online, Crapo, Four Year Old Shooter, Gun Liability Insurance, NRA, Safe Communities Safe School Act, Which Senators are filibustering Gun Control | 3 Comments

Same-Sex Marriage–What Happens If Christians Get It Wrong?

Posted on April 2, 2013 by theboeskool

I actually had a person write about marriage equality that “What it boils down to is the destruction of the human race.” Here is a list of things that scare Christians: 1) People breaking into their house and not being able to shoot ’em. 2) Spiders 3) A gay person’s partner getting health insurance.

So last week a whole bunch of people changed their Facebook profile picture to a red and pink equal sign to show their support for marriage equality while the Supreme Court heard arguments over the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act. This small act was criticized by some as another example of “slacktivism”–Where people do something that makes them feel pretty good about themselves, but the act actually has no practical effect on the cause they are supporting. Like wearing a rainbow bracelet for a couple days…. I may not be advancing any cause other than the cause of my own self-satisfaction. And I realize the SCOTUS justices are probably not getting on Facebook and doing an informal survey of profile pictures in order to decide how to rule, but I do think this very small act meant something. It meant something just like all those people last year standing in line for two hours at Chick-Fil-A’s meant something–Except this time, instead of people standing up to say “I’m against you,” people were standing up and saying to the LGBT community, “I’m with you.” And that means something…. Even if it’s something as simple and seemingly meaningless as changing your profile picture.

I think that the closer we get to God, the harder we are to offend.

Many of the conversations and threads that followed underneath those little equals signs were very hard to stomach. I think it’s safe to say that most of the opposition to equal rights for the LGBT community comes from Christians. And this is really frustrating for me because I’m a Christian, and I hate when people do things to propel the misconception that Jesus is against gay people. He’s just not. But it’s not all frustration–More and more Christians are getting it. It’s encouraging to see so many Christians stand up and say, “I’m with you,” but it’s also very hard to see some of the reactions to that stance from other people in the Church. People act like fellow Christians who are coming out as allies for equal rights for gays are basically saying, “You know what? Screw the Bible–I’m going to do what I want!” Please understand one thing: THIS IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING! Christians are not wiping their butts with the pages of the Bible when they stand up in support of marriage equality.

Maybe they believe that the government should treat people the same regardless of race, gender, class, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or other aspects of what we look like or where we come from. Maybe they think that the government shouldn’t be discriminating against LGBT people and enforcing morality based on a particular interpretation of scripture from one of the many religions in this country (for example, if the majority of people in the US were Jews following kosher laws, I should still be able to eat bacon…. sweet, sweet bacon). Maybe they are a Christian like me–One who tremendously values the things the Bible teaches, but has come to a different conclusion about the inherent sinfulness of a committed, homosexual relationship. Or maybe, just maybe, they are a person like the woman in the video below, whose view changed when someone they knew and loved came out of the closet….

There actually is more than one way to understand a Biblical response to homosexuality (Here is an example of one that is AMAZING by Matthew Vines). I have landed on a response that believes we are called to love and not judge. One that understands that human sexuality is a mysterious thing that we probably know very little about. One that does not translate “LOVING” someone as “trying to convince them that same-sex orientation is something from which they need to be healed.” One that accepts and blesses a commitment that is made to love another person forever–Regardless of the gender of the person to which that commitment is made.

You can never tell just by looking, but this Bishop of the Episcopal Church is actually hell-bound.

But the real question is this: What happens if we get it wrong? What happens if I’m wrong, and what Jesus really wants for his Church is to work as hard as possible to keep LGBT couples who have made a loving commitment to each other from having the same civil rights as straight couples? What if I’ve got it completely backwards, and followers of Jesus are supposed make homosexuals feel as damaged and uncomfortable as possible unless they repent of their gayness and live a life without the sort of companionship that my wife and I enjoy? What is God going to do to us for coming to the wrong conclusion about gay marriage? Do we believe that the loving father that Jesus revealed is actually the kind of God who would abandon us or even send us to some sort of eternal torture for an errant interpretation?

In my head, the checklist God looks and sounds just like Ron Swanson….

A lot of people believe in a God who is sitting at the gates of Heaven, holding onto a checklist. And then, when we die, he asks us a bunch of doctrinal questions. It’s a narrative where God’s like, “Baptized? Check. Believe in the resurrection? Check. Trinity? Check. Did you try as hard as possible to make gay people feel like their gayness was something that keeps them from accessing the same grace that you have access to? Check. Virgin Birth? NO!?!? I’m sorry–The answer we were looking for was ‘Virgin Birth.’ You almost had it. So close. Yeah…. I’m going to need you to step into this other line.” This is not the way that God works. It turns our right doctrinal beliefs into a work we do that makes us eligible for salvation. And that is NOT the portrait that is painted by any of the people who wrote the books in the back part of the Bible.

God loves us. He loves us like we’re his kids. He loves me way better that I could ever hope to love my own son. Imagine if my son made a collage for me, and in this collage he cut up some pictures that I really didn’t want cut up–But I could tell he did what he did because he was trying to be as loving as he could be–What kind of father would I be if my reaction to his attempt at love was only anger and punishment? And damnation? If this is actually the sort of God that Jesus reveals to us, then I am already so far off on my concept of God that I’m probably already going to Hell. Oh well….

Posted in 1) Jesus, 2) Politics | Tagged Chick-Fil-A, DOMA, Gene Robinson, Homosexuality in the Church, Jesus, Jesus has two dads, Marriage Equality, Matthew Vines, Same-Sex Marriage, Slacktivism, What happens if Christians get it wrong? | 9 Comments

A Tale of Two Letters

Posted on March 15, 2013 by theboeskool

I, for one, am really proud of this guy. It takes courage to admit you were wrong. We can learn a lot from this man.

I’ve got another post I’ve been working on, but this is just too important to me right now. Today many people have been talking about how Senator Rob Portman, one of the Co-Sponsors of the Defense of Marriage Act (that codifies discrimination and writes into law that the Federal Government does not recognize same-sex marriages), has changed his stance on same sex marriage. This happened because Sen. Portman’s son, Will, was brave enough to come out to him two years ago. People are reacting to Senator Portman’s change of heart in a range of ways. If you are anti-marriage equality, you are probably not too excited, but it’s the reaction of people who are for equal rights for LGBT people that has been really interesting to see: Everything from happiness at the arrival of a new ally, to a big middle finger at the fact that he worked so hard to discriminate–right up until it directly affected him, and then he decides it’s not okay anymore. And everything in between….

That seems to be the way things work sometimes: We keep discriminating against a group that we view as “other” until we actually get to know someone from that “other” group. An even more powerful way to change a person’s heart is to have that “other” be one of your kids. Sometimes people are so set in their ways, and their hearts so hardened, that even when the person coming out is their own child, it doesn’t make any difference. Here is a letter from a father to his son who just came out to him:

LGBT youth are four times more likely to commit suicide, but among LGBT youth who are highly rejected by their families, that number jumps to EIGHT TIMES the average.

If it’s difficult to read, here is what it says:

James: This is a difficult but necessary letter to write. I hope your telephone call was not to receive my blessing for the degrading of your lifestyle. I have fond memories of out times together, but that is all in the past. Don’t expect any further conversations with me. No Communications at all. I will not come to visit, nor do I want you in my house. You’ve made your choice, though wrong it may be. God did not intend for this unnatural lifestyle. If you choose to not attend my funeral, my friends and family will understand. Have a good birthday and good life. No present exchanges will be accepted.
Goodbye, Dad

Now, please read another letter that has been making the rounds today–This one, again, from a father to a son who is coming out, but with a very different tone:

So beautiful it made me cry.

Again, if it’s hard to read (if you’re on your phone or something) here is what it says:

Nate, I overheard your phone conversation with Mike last night about your plans to come out to me. The only thin you need to plan is to bring home O.J. and bread after class. We are out, like you now. I’ve known you were gay since you were six. I’ve loved you since you were born. -DAD
p.s. Your mom and I think you and Mike make a cute couple.

“Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.” -1 John 4:7b Dig it.

I want you to read these two letters, and then think about those cheesy WWJD bracelets that everyone used to wear. Consider these two polar opposite reactions from a father to a son, and then ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” Given everything you know about Jesus, which of these two reaction are closer to his heart? Jesus talks about a God who loves us so much that he runs to meet us even after we squandered all of his blessings and given him the finger. Please, read these letters and let your heart be changed! Don’t be the sort of person who doesn’t get how someone else feels until it directly affects you or your family. “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” “BELOVED, LET US LOVE ONE ANOTHER!!!”

Posted in 1) Jesus, 2) Politics | Tagged A Tale of Two Letters, Discrimination, DOMA, Jesus, Marriage Equality, Senator Rob Portman, WWJD | 16 Comments

I’m Getting Old

Posted on March 4, 2013 by theboeskool

It hasn’t come to this yet, but it can’t be that far off.

Today I am officially closer to 40 than I am to 35. I am no longer the physical specimen that I once was–I have some grey in my beard now, and when I bend at the knees, sometimes it sounds like I dropped a bunch of pretzels on a linoleum floor. I don’t want to say I’m getting fat, but let’s just say that I look forward to tying my shoes a lot less than I used to. If I bend over to pick something up off the floor, I am genuinely disappointed if I don’t grab it on the first attempt. I played a little basketball today, and I could just FEEL myself running like a old man…. In that straight-legged, heavy-breathing, grunting trot of annoyance when the ball bounced somewhere other than right back to me–which was very often.

It seems like just yesterday I was having this existential dilemma after turning thirty. For some reason, thirty hit me pretty hard. There was this realization that my life was partially in my control and partially not. I had a wife, a baby girl, I was living in Nashville, and I realized I was never going to be a successful song writer (why I initially moved to Nashville, though I didn’t give it a whole lot of effort. It wasn’t important enough for me to go through the mandatory ten years of butt-kissing, I suppose…. Maybe it just wasn’t that important to me). Then my wife made a photo/video slideshow that played to the song “Turning Thirty” by Randy Stonehill. Here’s the link to the song, if you’ve never heard it (coincidentally, he sang this version when he was 38, like me–I can’t embed it for some reason…. Just click on it). It’s 70’s and a little cheesy, but it wrecked me.

Anyway, it’s eight years (and three kids) later, and as my birthday present to you, I’d like to share something I’ve learned…. Here it is: Your ass is not nearly as clean as you think it is. Happy Birthday!

“STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!!!!”

Before I had kids, I was able to poop in roughly the same time that it took me to wash my hands. And it did NOT take me long to wash my hands–especially when you do it without soap. I would do my business, wipe, and be on my way without a care in the world. Now, I can spend 20 minutes on the can and still be nowhere near done. I think that the number of kids that you have is a multiplier for how long a man spends sitting on the toilet. I’m sure that cell phones and iPads have something to do with the increase in time (and the quiet. The sweet, sweet peace and quiet), but I think part of the increase in bathroom time has to do with what a person discovers when that person is in charge of keeping someone else’s ass clean.

This is about what it takes….

It’s humbling, wiping another person’s ass. When my boy started going poo in the potty, I could spend six minutes wiping and still not feel like I had gotten anywhere. I’d be pulling out wet wipes, getting the hand towels damp, pulling out a flashlight…. Nothing–It was never clean. It was like some sort of magic trick! And kids don’t even have any hair down there to worry about–It seems all of the energy that used to go toward growing hair on my head has slid down my body to my beard, my back, and my beyond (if Beard, Back, & Beyond was a store, I would definitely shop there, by the way). All of a sudden, I thought about me trying to clean myself up down there–USING DRY TOILET PAPER!?!? Give me a break…. Not a chance. I had been living in a dream world.

So gone are the days of strolling down the street imagining that my ass, or anyone else’s ass for that matter, is clean. Gone are the days of a quick trip to the bathroom. And gone are the days of the quick hand wash. I spend a lot more time washing my hands living in this new reality. I suppose that’s one good thing that has come from my realization. Sometimes I just think about my kids and I have to go wash my hands. I think I’ll go wash them right now….

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PLANET EARTH!!!

***Disclaimer: I’m posting this against better judgment…. Not mine, my wife’s.***

Posted in 3) Bathroom Humor | Tagged & Beyond, Back, Beard, I'm Getting Old, Keeping your ass clean, This Is 40 | 10 Comments

Getting Rid of Windows

Posted on February 27, 2013 by theboeskool

There is a lot to be afraid of.

Okay guys…. This time I’m for real. The sky is seriously falling.

I have spent the last week and a half trying to write about fear. And the illusion of control. I wrote a whole lot–so much it was probably going to have to be split it up into three posts. It was all about how schools around here are on a full-time quasi-lockdown as a response to the Newtown shootings, and how there is really very little we can do to prevent a demented person who is determined to kill a bunch of kids. And it was about the Russian meteor that injured so many when the explosion blew out glass all over the country, and how an appropriate response to that event would NOT be trying to get rid of all the windows. And it was about how we, as a country, take steps toward fear with every new terrifying thing we see on the news, and how, if we let ourselves keep taking steps toward fear, we may embody the tragedy of Oscar Pistorius–Firing a gun blindly through a closed door because we heard a noise in the middle of the night in the bathroom, where there are no bars on the window…. Killing the thing we hold most dear.

I was pretty proud of what I had written, but I think I’m going to scrap it.

All this fear is great for business–From lines out the door at “sporting goods” stores when new shipments of ammo come in, all the way to bulletproof backpacks to keep your kids safe while they are in that imaginary war zone known as “school.”

There have been a lot of events lately that have led to a very heated debate about guns and their roll in our society. Some people think that trying to prevent gun violence by restricting access to high-capacity, military-style weapons is an appropriate response to a tragedy like Newtown. Other people believe that the best thing we can do is arm more people in the hopes of killing the bad guys. When we’re faced with a tragedy like this, and one group says “More guns!” and the other group says “Less guns!” there is probably very little room for common ground. With such polar opposite reactions and starting points, I don’t think this debate is going to get settled any time soon. And as much as I disagree with the rational behind the idea that “More guns = less gun violence,” the solution isn’t “More guns” or “Less guns,” because the problem isn’t about guns. The problem is about fear.

“Oh Neddy, it was terrifying! I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.”

In the Bible, when Jesus was asked about which side he was on, he almost always revealed himself to be on a third side. And this third option always dealt with the heart, and less with the “rightness” or “wrongness” of a specific action. I can imagine someone pressing Jesus about the “More guns/Less guns” issue, and Jesus looking at that person and saying, “What are you afraid of?” That’s a good question for us to ask ourselves. Are you afraid of people taking your stuff? Are you afraid of being shot? Are you afraid of being powerless? Are you afraid of dying? I am too. We have become a church full of people who are full of fear. Full of “What if’s.” Full of shit. We preach about this wonderful Heaven that awaits, but the folks who are supposed to be the most assured of this “paradise to come” are the ones leading the way when it comes to doing whatever it takes to cling to this life with a white-knuckled grasp–up to and including killing our enemies instead of loving them.

From Yoda’s 2nd letter to the Church at Tatooine: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Listen–I get it. If you are mugged while walking down the street, it can be scary to go for a walk again. Some people might decide to just stay in their house after that. Maybe you begin to believe that the world is full of muggers and rapists and murderers. Maybe you decide to buy a gun and carry it with you wherever you go, believing it will keep you safe and in control…. But we were not meant to walk around being prepared to kill. Anyway, most of us have never actually experienced that sort of violence firsthand. All it takes to have us diving head-first into fear is simply hearing about a story of something horrible happening to someone else…. But even if you did experience some sort of awful violence yourself, as understandable as it would be if you lived your life in fear, I think that just about everyone would tell you that a better–a healthier–response would be to forgive, and to expect people to be good and kind, even when you know that some of them aren’t.

Seriously….

Some people think that the opposite of love is hate, but I think that the opposite of love is fear. Fear just LEADS to hate. And if we sow fear, we will reap fear. The Bible spends a whole lot of time trying to convince us that we have nothing to be afraid of. If we hold on loosely to things in this world, then we have no reason to be afraid of people taking our stuff. If we realize that our life is not our own–that our old self is dead, then we don’t have to get more and more afraid every time we hear about yet another senseless murder. In Bible stories, when God wants to speak to us, many times he uses an angel as his mouthpiece, and whenever an angel shows up the first thing he has to say is “Don’t be afraid.” We are told that “we have not been given a spirit of fear,” and some translations even refer to the Holy Spirit as “Comforter.” Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

“I promise I will never let anything happen to you….”

The world is full of fear, but if we’re going to walk around claiming to be “Christians,” we shouldn’t look just like the world–We should look like something different. We can’t claim to represent Jesus with one hand on a concealed Glock while bunkering down in our gated communities. Well….we CAN, but I believe it will only work to drive people even further from the church. We are so determined to not become martyrs that we arm ourselves to the teeth and put armed guards in our mega churches “just in case.” If followers of Jesus start fearlessly dying while attempting love our enemies, watch what will happen to the Church. Fear is a cancer that eats away at something as precious as authentic community, and it separates us from those we were called to love. But the cure for the cancer of fear is LOVE. Because “THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE; BUT PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR.”

I don’t really believe Oscar Pistorius’ story, but I hope it isn’t true. I hope he just got into a fight with his girlfriend and killed her, because his version of the story is 100 times more tragic.

I don’t really believe Oscar Pistorius’ story, but I hope it isn’t true. I hope he killed his girlfriend in an momentary act of rage…. Because his version of the story is 100 times more tragic.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you let yourself get pissed off at stupid people, you’re going to spend a whole lot of your time being pissed off. Because there are certainly a bunch of stupid people out there…. But who wants to live like that? The same basic idea goes for how we respond to violence and evil in the world. If every time you hear about a violent crime or an act of evil in the world you allow yourself to take another step toward fear, the only thing that will happen is you will spend your life being more and more afraid. And who wants to live like that? There will always be people in the world who will do horrible, awful things for no good reason. And when those things happen, we feel out of control. And feeling out of control is scary. But if we let it, that fear will consume us. And we will become like Oscar Pistorius–Firing blindly into the darkness…. Never realizing that we were meant to be the light.

Posted in 1) Jesus | Tagged Chicken Little, Fear, Getting rid of windows, Gun violence, Maude Flanders, Newtown, NRA, Oscar Pistorious, Perfect love casts out fear, Russian Meteor, The eternal bliss of paradise, Yoda | 8 Comments

Coming Out Against The “Don’t Say Gay” Bill

Posted on February 1, 2013 by theboeskool

With a nickname like the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, you might be inclined to think that this piece of legislation was attempting to do something noble…. Like encouraging kids to stop using the term “gay” to describe something that think is stupid or worthless–much like the campaign to get rid of the R-Word. The truth, however, is far from noble. It is also far from funny, far from loving, and far from sane.

"I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."

“What I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.”

The actual name given to this bill is the “Classroom Protection Act” (You can read the legislation HERE). Basically, what it does is it makes it illegal for school personnel (pre-K all the way through 8th grade) to discuss homosexuality in any way. An older version of this bill died in last year’s General Assembly because it received some embarrassing national attention, and they decided to not vote on it (rather than have a vote that would force the majority republicans to choose between voting for an unpopular bill, or making it seem like they were voting for teaching about homosexuality in our schools–a classic GOP Catch 22). This new version allows for School Counselors, Nurses, Principals and Vice Principals to answer “good faith” questions from students about human sexuality, and even provide counsel to a student “who is engaging in, or who may be at risk of engaging in, behavior injurious to the physical or mental health and well- being of the student or another person [read: being gay]; provided, that wherever possible such counseling shall be done in consultation with the student’s parents or legal guardians. Parents or legal guardians of students who receive such counseling shall be notified as soon as practicable that such counseling has occurred.”

Now, if that seemed a little too legal and obtuse, here’s the short version: School employees wouldn’t be allowed to talk to kids about anything that has to do with homosexuality (or “inconsistent with natural human reproduction”). They could, however, answer questions a kid had about being gay, but if that takes place, if a kids comes out to them, or if they observe a kid doing anything gay, they have to notify the parents as soon as possible. Even shorter version: THIS BILL WOULD MANDATE THE OUTING OF AN LGBT STUDENT TO HIS OR HER PARENTS!

Seriously.

Adolescence is hard enough to go through when you’re straight. For a kid trying to navigate adolescence while dealing the complex situation of being LGBT–all while dealing with a family that gives no signs of acceptance–this time can literally kill you. LGBT youth are four times more likely to attempt suicide than straight youth. The Suicide Prevention Resource Center estimated that between 30% and 40% of LGBT youth have attempted suicide. They are also more likely to use drugs and alcohol, and studies show that up to 40% of homeless teens are LGBT. I work in a building that has a place for homeless teens to stay, and many, MANY of these kids are LGBT kids who have been alienated or abandoned by their families as well as their faith communities. Today, while I was ranting about the insanity that is this legislation, a friend of mine who is gay told me that the person he came out to was his school counselor–that his family was not even close to being ready to hear it…. If this law is passed, it will make it so that LGBT kids have one less person to talk to about what they are going through. And they need as much non-judgmental, compassionate help as they can possibly get.

And you CAN help them!

Here’s one thing you can do: It will only take a couple minutes. Go to this website: http://www.capitol.tn.gov/legislators/, enter your address to find your state representative and your state senator, and then give them each a call.

Tell them…. This Senate Bill 234 (The Don’t Say Gay Bill) will do nothing other than work to hurt and stigmatize a population of people who are already hurting and stigmatized.
Tell them…. Requiring school personnel to out kids to their parents is one of the stupidest ideas you have ever heard.
Tell them…. It is shocking to you that an elected official would even CONSIDER this garbage.
And tell them…. If they vote to pass this horrible piece of legislation, you will work very hard to see to it that he or she will never be elected to office again.

There are a whole lot of conservative people in the Tennessee House and Senate right now…. There are so many that even if all Democrats refuse to show up to vote, they can still push through whatever legislation they want…. But they are not all morons. Please use your voice to let them know that this bill is not okay with you. You can make a difference!

Stacey Campfield. If this face doesn’t make you want to get involved, then I don’t know what to tell you….

Some of my non-Tennessean readers might be thinking “What can I do to help?” Well, here’s what I was thinking: The person’s name who has introduced this bill is Senator Stacey Campfield. He is a Tennessee State Senator from Knoxville–The city that was recently voted the “Most Bible-Minded” city in the nation…. Whatever that means. Stacey Campfield is a man who last year said, “My understanding is that it is virtually—not completely, but virtually—impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex…very rarely [transmitted],” adding, ”What’s the average lifespan of a homosexual? It’s very short. Google it yourself.” What I thought you could do is just call him up and tell him what you think of this legislation. His office number is 615-741-1766. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind getting some feedback from people in other states. Ask the person on the phone to explain why the party of “We don’t want a nanny state telling us what to do” is the one attempting to push this garbage through. Tell him that a kid coming out is not “behavior injurious to the physical or mental health and well-being of the student,” regardless of what he believes about heterosexuals not being able to transmit HIV. Tell him that the bill he wrote hurts an already vulnerable population, and if he want’s to write something that will help kids in Tennessee, he should start with a letter of resignation.